Seeing the beauty in weeds.

I had to speak in church today and while preparing my talk I was able to have what I consider a sweet moment with my Heavenly Father. As today was approaching and I was getting down to those last few days to write my talk and doing the hard part of gathering all your thoughts and actually putting them into a form of a talk. I don't mind preparing talks because it a sweet little reminder of how good it feels when you really take time to study but I don't feel like I am very good at expressing myself in a talk form. I feel more comfortable in a classroom setting where people can chime in as needed and you can have discussions. English class was never my strength and I question my knowledge of remembering how to give an appropriate talk. I feel that the good talks usually have stories that help remember what is being taught and sadly I feel that I can't remember much and don't have many stories I am able to share. Its always nice when you are preparing a talk and you see the truths you are studying and going to be teaching and sharing happening right before your own eyes. 

I was assigned to give a talk on President Nelson's conference talk titled " Drawing the Powers of Jesus Christ in our lives". I had been listening and studying it as well as other talks on the same subject and trying to figure out how to share all these wonderful things you read without just reading the whole talk for your own talk ha! Heavenly Father allowed me to have a simple experience happen to me which could sound really silly to anyone else. It all starts with me enjoying the yellow dandelions in the big field of grass and then while we are at the park I watch the man use the lawn mower to cut the grass and soon enough the field was now a freshly cut field of green grass. It helped me relate it to the atonement. (Talk will be posted below)

As I was finishing up my talk last night I questioned if dandelions were really considered weeds or not because I didn't want to be relating dandelions to "weeds in our life" if they actually weren't. I start researching..meaning googling "are dandelions weeds". You can find quite a few articles about dandelions-some trying to help you get rid of them and some defending these "flowers" and showing all the benefits they bring. The first thing I read was "Only in the twentieth century did humans decide that the dandelion was a weed. Before the invention of lawns, the golden blossoms and lion-toothed leaves were more likely to be praised as a bounty of food, medicine, and magic." As I go on reading a little more because health related things interest me I also learn how they help with the soil. It stated that "dandelions aerate and condition distressed soil. The long, strong taproots of dandelions push through into dry, cracked, compacted earth, helping to break it up, create channels for air and water to penetrate, and maintain a loose soil structure that allows earthworms to do their work. The plants draw calcium, iron, and potassium from deep in the earth into their leaves. When they die and decompose, they leave behind mineral-rich organic matter that nourishes the soil" In that moment I was like WOW! I had related these dandelion weeds to the hard challenges, trails, temptations, heartache, sadness, pain etc in our lives and just like dandelions help the soil in that moment I knew it was just like those negative challenge can help our SOUL.  If you go back and read that again you can relate what I dandelion does to the soil to how trails in our lives help in similar ways. Help dry compacted cracked earth...help hardheartedness. Create channels for air and water to penetrate could be related to many different things. They draw those minerals into their lives just as trials can help draw things into our lives...and so on. But what stood out to me the most was probably the fact that they leave behind mineral-rich ORGANIC matter the nourishes the soil...hard challenges in life can be nourishing the SOUL. 

In that moment I realize how Heavenly Father had that all play out for me which was just a neat correlation that again to other people might sound silly. It was getting late but I was on that spiritual high and was enjoying this experience of relating trails to dandelion weeds. I clicked on another article and what I read next just made me literally laugh out loud. It said " The war on dandelions is a war we cannot win. These plants are here to stay. By developing more environmentally sound lawn and yard care practices we can limit the population of dandelions somewhat, but face it, they are now apart of our landscape. And remember, its just a little plant, its not the second coming of Satan. Take a deep breath, relax and enjoy your lawn more. Life's too short to get all bent out of shape by a little plant." Like seriously did this random person who wrote this article know I was relating these to the gospel? Trails, temptations, heartache, sadness, pain etc are here to stay while in this mortal life (war on dandelions is here to stay) but by developing a good foundation built upon christ and drawing on the powers of the Atonement of Jesus Christ (developing more environmentally sound lawn and yard care practices) we can limit them but lets face it we can't avoid them completely. Take a deep breath and enjoy your life more instead of dwelling on the weeds. The end of the article asks "Is Dandelion an unwanted weed or a beautiful healing flower that pops up in your yard every spring". 

In that moment I felt that Heavenly Father showed me how he has a little sense of humor and I felt that connection to Him in a different way then I have felt before that even when I tell this story to someone they will not fully be able to understand and experience it and I am grateful for that experience but as I learned when I was studying for my talk without my agency to choose to study this subject I would have never had this opportunity to cherish. :) Something as simple and silly as this was a way I felt closer to my Heavenly Father. When we put ourselves in a situation to feel of His love He is always there reaching out ready to give it to us. We have to act and not just expect to be acted upon.


Here is my talk even though I didn't read it word for word and I added things here and there.

Just the other day my kids and I were walking to the park and I passed a big green grass area that had little yellow flowers popping up all over and just couldn’t help but think how beautiful it looked. I made my kids stop and take a picture to remember and soak in that moment. After the picture I kinda laughed to myself thinking its funny how these little yellow flowers popping out all over the grass were actually just dandelion weeds but looked so beautiful to me even though they are considered weeds and usually are unwanted. I realized though it is all about perspective. We can see beauty in the weeds. Since living in Las Vegas the last 5 years it’s a nice pleasant change to see these bright beautiful colors even if they are considered weeds. But lets be honest none of us really want dandelions all over our front yard just like none of us really want a bunch of “weeds” in our lives. These weeds can represent different things for each of us-they can be trials and challenges, temptations, heartache, sadness, pain and any of those negative challenges we have in this mortal life. But We all have to unavoidably deal with these unpleasant weeds that pop up all over in our lives.

As we played at the park over the next little while I watched as a man used this nice ride on lawn mower to cut the grass and when the field was done it was a smooth nice freshly cut field of grass. It might seem silly but in that moment I thought how anyone could have slowly put surely picked every one of those dandelions off that grass if we wanted to but that lawn mower he used made the process so much easier and efficient. Just as in this mortal life we can get through challenges and heartache by ourselves but if we draw on the power of Jesus Christ Atonement it can help ease the burden.

Matthew 11--28 ¶ Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

President Nelson said We live in a most difficult dispensation. Challenges, controversies, and complexities swirl around us. He warned us that in our day the adversary would stir up anger in the hearts of men and lead them astray.¹ 

He continues-" Our Heavenly Father never intended that we would deal with the maze of personal problems and social issues on our own.God so loved the world that He sent His Only Begotten Son² to help us. And His Son, Jesus Christ, gave His life for us. ALL so that we could have access to GODLY POWER—power sufficient to deal with the burdens, obstacles, and temptations of our day.

How could the Father tell the world of love and tenderness?

He sent his Son, a newborn babe, with peace and holiness.

How could the Father show the world the pathway we should go?

He sent his Son to walk with men on earth, that we may know.

How could the Father tell the world of sacrifice, of death?

He sent his Son to die for us and rise with living breath.

What does the Father ask of us? What do the scriptures say?

Have faith, have hope, live like his Son, help others on their way.

What does he ask? Live like his Son.

When you think about teaching someone about the Atonement of Jesus Christ I believe the first things a lot of us teach is that Jesus Christ died for our sins so that we can repent and be cleansed-which is fundamental and foundational to the doctrine of Christ. 

But as Elder Bednar said “we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to live in us—not only to direct us but also to empower us. Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—We may mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities.

Relating back to those dandelion weeds in the grass…We don’t need to suffer pulling each of those weeds out one by one and then even going with little scissors to cut the grass down to the right size to make it look really nice. We have that lawn mower already paid for and sitting right there waiting for us to use it. But we have to make that choice to actually use it. So how do we choose to Come unto Christ and access that power?

President Nelson says We begin by learning about Him. The more we know about the Savior’s ministry and mission⁷—the more we understand His doctrine⁸ and what He did for us—the more we know that He can provide the power that we need for our lives.

How convenient that this year we are studying the saviors life in the New Testament this year individually and with the family. 

President nelson also suggested or even challenged to-Study everything Jesus said and did as recorded in the standard works.⁹ He invites to let the scriptural citations about Jesus Christ in the Topical Guide become your personal core curriculum.¹⁰

He did that challenge himself and knew of the benefit of doing it and said “my wife asked me what impact it had on me. I told her, “I am a different man!”

He also urges us to Study the Living Christ. I feel like most of us that are here are striving to become better so we he said he was a different man it makes me curious what impact it can have on us if we take on the challenge if you haven’t done so already. 

President nelson says As we invest time in learning about the Savior and His atoning sacrifice, we are drawn to participate in another key element to accessing His power: we choose to have faith in Him and follow Him.

There is nothing easy or automatic about becoming such powerful disciples. Our focus must be riveted on the Savior and His gospel. It is mentally rigorous to strive to look unto Him in every thought.¹⁵ But when we do, our doubts and fears flee.¹⁶

True disciples of Jesus Christ are willing to stand out, speak up, and be different from the people of the world. They are undaunted, devoted, and courageous.

I have been reminded repeatedly when I am not feeling motivated that the Natural man is an enemy to God who I would say naturally wants the easy way out or to be lazy. As Satan also convinces us Its easier to just turn on the tv or sit on your phone and relax then to get out your scriptures and study. Its easier to not fit into your schedule a temple visit. Its easier to not minister and think about others because we are too busy with our own life. Its easier to sit home on the weekend then to get ready and come to church and in my stage of life take care of crazy kids at church. And to even put that on another level its easier to just show up to church and just have them teach you want you need to learn instead of putting forth your own effort to really study and learn for yourself. Its easier to make excuses or blame others and not be accountable. 

I am humbled as I have to be honest and admit that I could do a better job myself and put more effort into these things that are important especially scripture study. ( I don't believe God wants us to feel guilty about it I believe he repeated reminds us because he wants us to feel his love-to use the Atonement each week as we partake in the sacrament and see where we can improve. ) I would like to use the excuse as we just moved and I have young kids and don’t have much time to myself but I feel like any phase of life we can have excuses. One of the quotes I have always love is from

Richard G Scott: Don’t yield to Satan’s lie that you don’t have time to study the scriptures. Choose to take time to study them. Feasting on the word of God each day is more important than sleep, school, work, television shows, video games, or social media. You may need to reorganize your priorities to provide time for the study of the word of God. If so, do it!

We need to reach up in Faith to draw on the powers of Jesus Christ. As we recently studied about the women who had been sick for 12 years who said “If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole.”

President Nelson said Her physical stretching was symbolic of her spiritual stretching.

He continues-When you reach up for the Lord’s power in your life with the same intensity that a drowning person has when grasping and gasping for air, power from Jesus Christ will be yours. When the Savior knows you truly want to reach up to Him—when He can feel that the greatest desire of your heart is to draw His power into your life—you will be led by the Holy Ghost to know exactly what you should do.²¹

Isn’t it amazing that when we have true desire to make those righteous choices in our lives that God helps us find a way to make it happen and things usually seem to go a little more smoothly. We somehow find that we have more time, we have more patience, we have more love and understanding for others. Even the simple thing like my kids taking naps at the same time and I have that choice between the million things on my to do list or sit down and read my scripture I find myself being able to get more done when I put him first. Some people may call it coincidence but to me I feel my Heavenly Fathers love for me saying I see your effort. Other times I believe we might be tested us a little more to see where our priorities are and no one naps so I don’t get that perfect opportunity but I can choose to still find time and put forth that effort which I think that situation happens more than not for most of us. Our lives are filled with so many distractions and choices and that talk titled “Good better best” keeps coming to my mind over and over again. How we choose to spend our time shows our commitment to the Lord.

Another way president nelson says we can increase the Savior’s power in our lives is when we make sacred covenants and keep those covenants with precision. Our covenants bind us to Him and give us godly power.

He says: Covenant-keeping men and women seek for ways to keep themselves unspotted from the world so there will be nothing blocking their access to the Savior’s power. He gives the example of a couple who instead of listening to the radio chose to listen to conference talks. Think if there is possibly an area in your life that you could be changing into a better choice to help you draw on the savior’s power?

President Nelson says: Faith in Jesus Christ propels us to do things we otherwise would not do. Faith that motivates us to action gives us more access to His power.

You know that feeling when the spirit is so strong and you feel on a high and even your worries start to fade away-maybe you have felt this at a church meeting or activity, or at the temple, or reading your scriptures, or listening to conference this past weekend. That moment when the spirit is testifying to you that what you hear and feel is true and it motivates you. I believe He wants us to feel that way everyday. He wants your worldly worries to not seem as big of a deal so he gives us these tools to use so we can continue to feel his love for us. We have the agency to choose to use them.

Richard G Scott said: Because He respects your agency, Father in Heaven will never force you to pray to Him. But as you exercise that agency and include Him in every aspect of your daily life, your heart will begin to fill with peace. It will help you to manage those challenges from an eternal perspective. He even goes on to say that “Family prayer should be a nonnegotiable priority in your daily life.”

When I brought my 3^rdchild home from the hospital I was a little worried about how I was going to handle life. I was told by my mom and a handful of others that adding that 3^rdchild can be a challenge. I had received in the mail that same day a wall hanging for my house with the scripture Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” And that scripture is always a humble reminder that I have a choice to access that enabling power of atonement of Jesus Christ. 

 President Nelson said: There is no amorphous entity called “the Atonement” upon which we may call for succor, healing, forgiveness, or power. Jesus Christ is the source.

It is the Savior who paid the price for our sins and transgressions and blots them out on condition of our repentance. It is the Savior who delivers us from physical and spiritual death.

I believe as you access that power it can help you change your perspective in the challenges in your life. You can look at each of them as an opportunity for learning, growth and development. You can be humbled as you trust in Heavenly Fathers plan. You can start finding beauty in those weeds when you have that power from the atonement of Jesus Christ to help. I actually started researching about dandelions because I questioned if they really were weeds or not and there is quite a few articles that talk about the benefits of dandelions to use medically for us or even being good for the soil. I learned that they aerate and condition distressed soil. When they die and decompose, they leave behind mineral-rich organic matter that nourishes the soil. So is Dandelion an unwanted weed or a beautiful healing flower that pops up in your yard? We don’t always find happiness in those hard challenges but when we focus our life on the savior Jesus Christ we can find lasting joy.

Commit to "Try a little harder to be a little better"

Its funny how the same thing seems to be coming up in my mind and I feel like I need to write it down maybe to help me recommit each time I have these feelings...or promptings might be a better word. I was listening to "The Scripture Study Project" podcast and such a strong feeling of how I am spending my time each day came up again. Since moving I of course have been so busy with just trying to stay on top of things with the house and the kids plus all the unpacking that I don't have much time to just relax or do anything without thinking and knowing of all the things I do need to get done. I think about how I can better spend my time with my kids and how I can better spend my time with studying the scriptures and words of the prophets because I know those are the two most important things right now. Trying to balance just those two things with the household chores and responsibilities is hard with trying to make sure I am not wasting my time on things I just want to do with sitting down and relaxing-specifically with social media stuff. I have a hard time because I do get so many good things out of social media that I enjoy and make me a better person so I don't feel like I need to completely cut that out but I also constantly question with the talk "good better best" coming to mind. Yes those things I am looking at or reading are good and theres nothing bad about it but is there better things to be doing?..But of course you could say yeah you could be reading your scriptures all day or any relaxing moment because thats the "better" thing to be doing. I don't believe that is realistic as well but I do have to catch myself and make sure I have at least read that and spent that time that day studying. Its such a hard phase of life constantly being needed by my kids that when I do have some alone time or time that I can just sit there for a few moment that quick easy thing I enjoy doing is to hop on social media. I don't feel like I have a problem with it by any means but I can admit I can find better ways to spend my time still-so I definitely have room for improvement.

Anyways back to some thoughts on the podcast-so they were talking about how Jesus Christ already paid the price for us to make it back to Heaven but we need to be born again. Meaning He has the power that He could do all the work for us but He specifically knew that we needed to put in some work and be tested to see what we would do. And it got me thinking about how yes I am not doing anything really "sinful" by any means but you can't just be good to make it to Heaven you need to be born again having a true conversion yourself. You can just sit back and "be good" if thats all you want out of life. Honestly its not that hard to be good at this point in my life. But it can be much harder to choose the not so easy choice of just coasting through life. I need to really start applying myself and choosing each day how much I want to grow spiritually. I have to choose how much I want to change. I need to act and not just be acted upon. (I learned that in an institute class and it really stood out to me cause I have always been one that would rather be acted upon because it is the easier route) I would like to try to recommit to "try a little harder to be a little better". And thats really all that matters that we are trying each day to be a little better. With the new church curriculum it is reminding parents that is it our job and duty to teach our children and it really has help to remind me that I need to be spending more time studying and teaching my children as much as that is the harder thing to do sometimes but I am grateful for the push that the church is giving us. So many "changes" President Nelson has been helping us do our duties better! Basically the recurring theme that I keep being reminded of is that its your choice of how much you want out of this life. You choose how much you grow and learn. You choose how converted you truly are. You choose every day to become a better person or sit back and let the days pass you by being that good person you are. Everyone has the potential to do more and be greater but its our choice of what we want to do that can make the difference. Sounded like I'm trying to write a motivational speech I feel like now ha! One thing I would like to work on right now is with that alone time I have at night once I put the kids to bed it is soon much easier to choose to relax and sit in bed on my phone and find myself staying up too late..most the time I am not necessarily wasting my time because I am doing beneficial things but I need to limit that time I do it and I am now wanting to commit to scripture study time (I hope with Jesse) from 9-9:30 every night (or around then). That will hopefully give me an hour from 8-9 to finish cleaning up or doing what I need/want to do after I put the kids to bed. Baby steps of becoming better and thats somewhere for me to start right now..and hopefully I can add more soon. The more selfless I become the better I will spend my time.

Big Move

I am going to try to write the quick story to get us up to speed of where life is at right now. When we move down to Las Vegas Jesse said to me to expect to live there for about 3-5 years. At the time Corbin was about 21 months old and I was 7 months or so pregnant with Gavin. I was the most sad about leaving family and moving away but knowing we can sacrifice these years and see what the future olds for us. I was optimistic about moving but of course had the hopes of moving back to family. A year or two of being there is when I realized there could be a possibility of us moving somewhere else instead of back to Utah-different areas and state got brought up but nothing ever really serious just possible opportunities of job openings that could happen in the future. Jesse at one point even thought of just finding a completely different job and looking at other possibilities but those thoughts didn't last for too long-He went to the temple one time with the questions in his mind of what to do and got the answer of basically tough it out and stay. He shortly after got called into the Bishopric and he felt like that was a little confirmation to his answer he got as well. At a different later time when he was questioning again what should we do as a family he got the same answer of stay there and actually got put back into a new bishopric. Funny how God answers prayers some times. 

Anyways the last few months the possibility of moving got brought up again and it was kind of one of those things where I just had to keep living life like we weren't because of all the other times I worried and started researching for no reason because nothing happen from it. Well we found out the week before Christmas that Jesse could have the job of managing 5 stores but we would be moving to Portland then. Jesse immediately felt good about it and was excited for the position and opportunity. I was in denial and didn't really let it sink in but also in a panic questioning is this really happening...because if it was it was going to happen quickly. I had no reason to question Jesse in this new position because I overall knew it seemed right but I did make sure he knew it was the right choice for our family because the big change of moving for me and the kids is a lot more overall for us then for him. I questioned if he would enjoy the job, if the pay really made a difference, if the hours and time with us would change, how life would be there for us as a family, schooling, being further away from family. So many things race through my head of course but still I had an overall feeling of this is the right choice.

Jesse had his last day of work in Las Vegas the week before Christmas and then we drove up to Utah and enjoyed the holidays with Family not thinking too much about the move. Jesse started his new position as of Jan 1 and he started flying to work and staying in a hotel and flying back home on the weekends. I started to slowly pack up the house. I felt like there was so many last minute things I wanted to try to do in Vegas before we moved because I felt like I didn't want to regret not doing things we could have. We were able to do a few things but not every thing I would have hoped for because all my kids got sick!

(So I got distracted with kids and never finished writing this-surprise! but thought I would try to quickly finish)

I surprise myself with how I overall didn't feel completely overwhelmed packing up the house kinda of by myself since Jesse was away working most the time-he was very helpful when he was home but I wanted to spend quality family time together doing things and not just packing with our time together. I feel overall very blessed that I was at an emotionally and mentally good state. I had so many people from the ward offer to help with watching my kids, bringing me boxes and food, and just being there for support. The week of moving of course was a bit crazy. Trying to finish packing up all that stuff that takes a lot longer than you think, me having a hard time letting things go and just getting rid of it, and wanting to spend more time with friends before we move. Moving day I had Courtney and Roxana come over to help as well as Aunt Nancy-she was so sweet to help us out and even bad goodie bags for the kids for the long hours of driving in the car-so grateful for her help! The day of moving and packing up the truck is of course stressful and emotional. As we were packing it up we realized not everything was going to fit so we either had to get rid of stuff or the other option was to pay more money and have our additional stuff in other truck which is what we ended up having to do because there was too much stuff left to just get rid of. (A family of 6 the stuff you have can definitely add up and I wish I could minimize a little better...I say once I am done having babies I can at least get rid of all those boxes of baby clothes that add of for each gender)

It took longer than we thought to pack up the trailer and get ready to drive ourselves-the plan was to leave early afternoon and drive around 6 hours--we had a 16 or so hour drive ahead of us. We didn't end up leaving until around 5ish and so we changed our plans and only drove a few hours that Thursday night. Friday we planned on driving all day and we basically were driving in the middle of no where up through Nevada and then Oregon. Friday night got a little crazy as we were literally in the middle of no where pitch black in a snowstorm! Lets just say I got a little tense driving and we had to drive quite slow in order to know we were staying on the roads and wouldn't slide off in the crazy snowy weather. We finally made it to our hotel much later than we thought but thankfully we made it there safely. The plan was to drive those few last hours Saturday morning and meet the moving truck by Saturday afternoon. 

We started driving up a mountain Saturday morning and within 20 minutes it had snowed a good 3-4 inches-the weather was crazy. With Jesse driving his car we knew it wasn't the smartest idea to try to drive where we had no idea how the roads would be and we didn't feel safe. We turned back around and drove back to the hotel and sat there not exactly knowing what to do. I called the moving truck and had to let them know I didn't think we would be making it in time and they actually gladly rescheduled to meet the next morning. We knew we could take it slowly at that point and mapped out a different route we thought would be safer and knew eventually we would get there...and of course we did. We stayed an extra night in a hotel which probably ended up being better to be refreshed and really to unpack all of our things with the movers. Jesse and I both agreed we hope to not have to make that 20 hour drive with 4 kids and 2 cars in the crazy snowstorm again but it was quite the adventure and overall the kids did well-which I think having them be 2 and 2 in each car helped. I am grateful that Caden as a baby did overall well too or else that would have been more stressful having a screaming crying baby while driving.

I can't explain exactly how I feel about this move here but I just know it was the right thing as much as it is hard to move away from my friends and have this big change I just feel like good things are to come of it and I am grateful to know that even though I don't really know whats instore for us here. I feel sad to be further away from family but again I feel optimistic about this move and I feel like we will enjoy it here. I have always felt like I am pretty easy going and could probably be happy anywhere but my biggest worry moving to Washington is that everyone warned me about the rainy and gloomy skies. I didn't realize that I can suffer from a little seasonal depression until I moved to Vegas and realized how nice it is to have the sun all winter ( I think I will miss those mild winters there). The first week we were here it rained every day and we didn't really see anyone out-Corbin even mentioned how sad it seemed here because of the gloomy wet and no people around can really make you feel that way.

Jesse's mom, Jodie, was able to come out and help the week we moved here and I am so glad and grateful she did! It helped to get those essential things unpacked and feel like you could function somewhat normally. I was also able to go out and run some errands and buy a few things for our new house which can be quite difficult with kids. Having her help entertain the kids and doing the dishes was just what I needed to help make this transition smoother. 

The first time we went to Church it was a little discouraging because it looked like our ward was an "older" ward and it made me question if there were many in my phase of life to possibly make friends with. Now we have been 3 times and I am feeling better about it. I also feel like I am in a phase of life where I am busier and don't need to get out as much as I used to with young kids. We also hadn't seen anyone in our neighborhood so I was beginning to question if this was going to be rough for my kids not to have friends around either...and that has changed now too. Our next door neighbors, The Frost, have two little girls 7 and 5 that have come over and played and the kids love to play with each other! 

Jesse has been busy with work which is to be expected with starting a new position. I thought we would have a little more time as a family as far as him getting home a little earlier and being home on Saturdays which was a big perk to this new job and I believe once things get more settled we will and we can bond more as a family and that is something I am really looking forward to!

Things overall have gone very smoothly and I feel like we will enjoy it here especially as the weather warms up and we are able to get out and explore. This past week we were able to check out two trails by our house and we enjoy the outdoors together. I started the boys in baseball and I believe that will keep us really busy as well between that and soccer I might be crazy for signing them up for both but we will stay busy till summer! Thats not to say that we won't miss vegas and our friends but I am trying to stay positive and optimistic and choose to be happy here and what it has to offer! I am excited for what is in store here in Washington for us. 

Busy? Distracted? How am I spending my time?..

I listen to a podcast about how we are all "so busy" which of course we know if not a good thing. We have so many things on our "to-do list" that we go to bed unsatisfied because we can never get them all done. I love how this person pointed out that we need to be making priority list instead which are based and made around what kind of person we want to become or what is truly important to us or what our ultimate goals are. All the other little things in our lives are keeping us busy and distracted from what we really need to become. I love how this played into General Conference for me this year and it came down to for me back to the talk about "good better best"-there are a lot of good things to be reading and doing and spending our time and it really isn't bad but there are so many other better things and especially the best things that we need to make sure we are doing. I think so many times I justify what I am spending my time doing because I know it is not a bad thing-studying nutrition and trying to figure out what we should eat..of course that is a smart good thing to do but when it was taking priority over scripture study and I was spending more time reading articles that just left me sometimes more confused than educated and satisfied..and I am speaking about this as in last week I was doing this. I went into Conference even hoping for an answer (and I haven't been able to listen to every talk yet so I can still receive answers to questions) but one of them was "what should I be eating?" because I feel like it consumes so much of my time lately and it really is not a good thing. I do believe we should care and think about it enough that we are taking care of our bodies but I don't think I can ever find the "right" answer because there are so many different opinions and research and studies that its always changing. Like I said, this isn't a bad thing to be reading and researching but if its taking away from things that are better to be doing than it is. The Prophet, President Nelson, challenged the women to do a 10 day fast off social media. He recently did this to the youth asking for a 7 day fast and I kinda did it but I didn't have my whole heart in it so I am trying to do much better this time. I must admit I didn't really want to and again I tried to justify saying its my way of journaling but ultimately decided I can still journal but post them after the 10 days are up then. It already hasn't been easy but it is my go to when I want to relax or when I am stressed but a few minutes here and there really do add up and I believe I was spending a lot more time on there wasting away my time. I also listen to a different podcast about how are brains really do want that high we get from that instant gratification or hearing that we got a text or a notification or a "like" but really it is not feeding our true joy-its like a drug thats just hitting the surface and we want more and more of it. She even liken it to gambling with being addictive and that put it in perspective a little more for me. Again so many good things can come from your phone with keeping in contact with people or reading and the convienence of it with how quick we are able to do some things but it also can take away from the moment you are trying to live in.

Grateful in all circumstances

Oh man I think I am in denial that I am overwhelmed but at the same time I don't always feel like I am. I decided it came down to feeling overwhelmed with cleaning mostly. I just can't keep up with my children and the messes they make and cleaning up every meal. As far as my kids yes it can be overwhelming to meet their needs and hope they feel my love but it kinda goes back to trying to get things done so we aren't living in filth. I wrote this a few weeks ago (I believe in a text to my mom): 

I never thought mootherhood would involve so much peeing and pooping I have to deal with and it’s no exaggeration when I say I have to deal with it between my 4 kids at least every hour of my waking life right now. Gavin is still having issues peeing in pants, Mikaela potty trained herself but it still brings a good amount of messing especially cause I’m dealing with her having diarrhea right now and no I have no idea why...is it something she ate? Is it a food allergy? Or is it just a bug we are dealing with since Corbin has diarrhea yesterday too? Who knows? The guessing game isn’t quite working here to solve it. Between bowel issues and my eczema that I randomly broke out with which is causing my severe itching but mostly at night (like weirdly I have been working up at the 12 o clock hour 3 nights in a row now itching like crazy) I honestly have no idea what is going on or if we need to stop eating something because of allergies or intolerances or whatever but I’m so sick of worrying about food and if we are eating healthy enough because I sure know we are eating way healthier than a lot of people so I really just want to call it a good balance and not deal with it...but our bodies might be telling us differently I guess? I don’t know?! 😬😬

Sounds a bit overwhelmed you would say. ha! But thankfully I am feeling pretty good right now emotionally. So I decided to start a gratitude journal and write down 10 things that bring me joy throughout the day. It's a great way to focus more on those things that make me happy than the puddle of pee I stepped into. I love in Uchtdorf's talk that I listen to titled "Grateful in Any Circumstances" he reminds us "All of His commandments are given to make blessings available to us. Commandments are opportunities to exercise our agency and to receive blessings. Our loving Heavenly Father knows that choosing to develop a spirit of gratitude will bring us true joy and great happiness. I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances--whatever they may be."

I am unable to change that my kids are making constant messes and that they fight and complain and whine and make moments in life not fun to be honest but I can't do anything about that really besides try to teach them the best I can but in the mean while I can either be miserable because lets me honest its not fun to be around kids that tell you how mean you are every day but there are plenty of moments in my life that I find joy and my kids do bring me so much joy in the midst of the chaos so I am hoping by trying to focus my thoughts on all the good things--and some days it will be hard to come up with 10 things because some days are really hard but I believe we can always find good in every day in little small moments. But the chaotic, stressful, overwhelming, frustrating times deserved to be documented too so bare with me if I sound like I am complaining sometimes its more just to know I made it through and look back and laugh at how things were! ;)

Showing love through sleep deprivation.

Lack of sleep can really make me spiral down hill quickly into getting discouraged with things in life. Caden was not sleeping good these past two weeks (and nearly 4 months now of being woken up multiple times a night can really add up) but wow it can really make a huge difference for me when I don't get enough sleep. He hasn't been going more than 2-3 hours between feedings and he was waking up between 2-3AM and was awake for around an hour and wouldn't go back to sleep and then waking up around 5:30ish kinda like he was up for the day and wouldn't go back down then my other kids were awake almost always before 6:30. I can handle him waking up and me basically sleeping while feeding him but that wasn't happening. I questioned if it was a growth spurt because he would be gulping down each feeding and not falling asleep so I knew it wasn't for just comfort but I was getting a bit frustrated out of exhaustion knowing he should be able to go a little longer...seems to be a trend with each one of my kids though. I also decided when school was starting that I wanted to get into a better routine of eating a little better and starting to exercise more consistency since summer and traveling can make that a bit harder to stay consistent at. The combination at the wrong time just got the best of me and I was completely fatigued. I start to question everything I do and if its good or right or what I need to change when really sometimes its just slowing down and doing nothing for a day or two. And thats what I did and thankfully Caden has slept a little better and I was able to rest and am feeling better and not as discouraged. (And I need to remember to not over do it even though I think my body should and can handle things) But I also believe that is how we are humbled into things that do need to be changed and having priorities in the right place.

I definitely feel like I am being tested hard with how I react and am treating my kids. I loved that I was able to listen to someone who specializes is parenting I guess you can say (someone sharing things in instagram) but the things she was saying I felt like helped me understand that my children's misbehaviors usually come down to how I am parenting and something I can change. Not to put all the blame on them or all the blame on the parent but its never just their fault because they are still learning how to control their emotions and needs/wants and learning how to communicate and express themselves even though we expect them to be on a higher or adult like level. Usually when they are acting up its because they need more of our attention and thats of course something most people know but that can be really difficult and challenging when your exhausted and haven't been able to take care of yourself to be a good parent. I kept thinking over and over how we are suppose to model the behavior for them and I of course was not modeling good behavior when I am so tired and don't want to deal with anything in life-and as much as I can say this its still hard for me to apply it- but that is when I just need to tell myself to not care if we have a little more screen time or down time when those are the things that I usually feel guilty about but its better to do those things then to hinder my relationship with my kids when I'm acting mad or impatient and MY behavior needs to change. Corbin even told me "Mom I think we both need to work on patience!" he was referring to when I expected them to do exactly what I said when I said it because I was done waiting and only cared about when I could just have a break. (come brush your teeth right this very second and not wait for you to go put a toy in your room)

Sometimes its hard for me to break the cycle of being exhausted and upset with how my kids are behaving but it usually has to start with me in order for something to change. Yes my kids complain and whine often and over things that I believe most kids should not be complaint and whining over. (picking up after themselves, getting dressed, listening to me and following what I tell them to do...ok well when I write it out that is very typical of things that most kids are struggling with) Its definitely a trigger for me to get upset easily when I hear them whining--like a lot of parents. I saw a meme or something that was saying something along the lines of "young parents thinking they have it hard but just wait till the kids are older" and its probably so true as far as one day I will say dealing with whining and complaining is a lot better than dealing with teenage stuff or other trials that can happen with children. Its definitely a mental/emotional struggle that needs to be overcome to control the situation. I want my kids to know I love them and want what is best for them but sometimes I am so upset that I want them to just be in trouble which isn't the purpose I should be after-each choice they make can be a learning experience instead of a punishment I want followed through with. But gosh this parenting stuff can be hard...but I guess thats why once we are parents we always are so we have forever to work on these things...hopefully I can learn some of things sooner than later though. ;)

Sometimes I just need to remember to look at these little children I have and show them more love. I am glad I can be humbled to remember to treat them how I should and hopefully they can learn from my example and feel of my love for them (even when I am exhausted). I can't get too mad at a chubby cute baby!

Caden's blessing weekend.

Talk about filling your weekend with being busy. Friday night we had our ward BBQ and swimming-seriously my kids just love swimming...and food...but possibly swimming more. We went to bed a little later because of that but thankfully we didn't have to be at the airport too early. I have been wanting to get back into exercising but with our busy summer schedule and Caden sleeping next to me it makes it a little tricky to actually start back into running since he's usually up or needing me around that 6:00 AM time that I used to go running but Saturday morning I told myself I would since Roxana and Courtney really wanted to as well. Seems like Jesse tends to be busy with work stuff with the times I want to start back up but its ok Caden is only 3 1/2 months old and I have ran like twice-I have been trying to do workouts just at home but my eating needs to improve. (As much as I don't like to start thinking about how overwhelming it is to start knowing how to eat correctly..) 

Anyways I slept pretty awful since I was so worried about making sure I fed Caden before I left so I wouldn't leave him with Jesse being fussy or at least do what I could to help that since he had to get ready for work. I woke up early and went running and it was hard but felt good to be able to go. Once I got home things didn't quite go as planned as far as thinking it was going to be a quick easy packing to go to Utah for one day. So when Jesse got home to leave to the airport I was a little behind with being ready but he was ok with leaving a bit later than what he's usually comfortable with.  I tend to give him a hard time with being at the airport early). We get there about an hour before our flight is leaving which isn't bad but when we realized long term parking is closed and we have to go to economy parking we started to worry about time. We circling around the airport finding ourselves not in the right spot and than really starting to worry about time so Jesse dropped the kids and I off at short term parking and he went to go park the car and meet us. I wasn't too worried cause I knew security isn't usually too bad with kids cause you get to go in a different line. So we get through security and I call Jesse to ask what gate we are suppose to go to and I figured out I went through the wrong security area (it was for ABC gate and we were suppose to be at D) so at this point I did start to worry about making it on time cause I thought we would need to go to security again but thankfully we didn't. The kids thought the airport was cool with all the moving walking lanes, elevators, and then tram at the end so they were doing pretty good for me. We got to the gate and might have been one of the last ones on the plane but not late enough that they would have left us. ha! Kids thought flying was pretty cool so it went smoothly overall. When we got off the plane Corbin said surprisingly and happily "Its still morning?" He's so used to driving all day to Utah so he was a bit shocked that we made it there so quickly. Must say it is nice not to have to drive all day but don't get me started on how I was a little upset about having to pay for us to fly..it definitely adds up paying for 5 tickets.

We got to my moms to try on Caden's blessing outfit. She was really nervous about it fitting and being ok. She even fasted about making his blessing outfit the week before because we was worried about how it would all work out especially because she used to have someone live by her house to help her sew if needed. She is really happy about how she never had to use her seam ripper which is the first time she had never had to. It's a lot of work for my mom to make them since she only sews like every time she needs to make a blessing outfit and thats it but I am grateful that she can make these outfit for my kids extra special. Caden's turned out great!

My sister Candace was kind enough to watch my kids so we could go out to dinner with the Jensen's for Scotts birthday. I took Caden with us of course and he starting getting a little congested. When we landed on the plane he was coughing like something was bothering his throat but didn't seem sick or anything so then when he started getting boogery I worried a little bit more. When we picked the kids back up I was pretty tired and ready to go to bed and knowing we had 9:00 church for the blessings I was definitely ready to sleep. Caden woke up at 11:30 screaming and that was not normal for him. I tried to calm him down but he wouldn't and his ears seem to be hurting him possibly. So I put some oils on him and thankfully he was able to calm down a bit. I went back upstairs and tried to lay back down with him but within like 20 minutes or so he was pretty upset again but this time I noticed he was warm and had a fever. First time in his life being sick dang it. I was up most the night with him trying to make him comfortable enough to sleep and then I was finally able to lay down with him and get a couple hours of sleep...but I do not do well on little sleep.

I had to wake him up to get him dressed to go to church-I worried about taking him but he seemed pretty content and ok thankfully. But I can't tell you how much I do not like waking a sleeping baby and making it a sick sleeping baby is that much worse. :( He had been awake a while and was ready to go back to sleep right before it was time to bless him so I worried how he was going to do but thankfully he didn't fuss one little bit and Jesse was able to give him a sweet little blessing. Megan and Dallin blessed their baby girl Goldie as well right before Caden and then uncle Matt was able to give his homecoming talk. A family packed day full of great stuff. As much as I didn't really want to spend the money and fly everyone up just to Utah for just a day I am glad we could all be there for all of that! Caden was actually pretty pleasant for the rest of the day and was able to sleep well. I had a pounding headache and felt pretty awful by the afternoon but couldn't sleep well but thankfully got a small nap in. Our plane left at 8:40 that night so I was a bit worried about how all the kids would do-especially Caden since thats the time he wants to be put to sleep at night! But once again thankfully they did better than I thought! We got home late and sadly Caden was up again a good portion of the night not feeling well again! :( This is when life gets a little harder for me. Testing my patience and tolerance with my others kids. They are all pretty exhausted and tired....and grumpy. But we don't have anything for the next couple months at least not planned right now so hopefully we can start getting in a good routine with school, eating, exercising, sleeping..etc. First week was a little rough with school so I am hoping we will get in a good groove and my emotions can stay stable because as of right now I feel like I still have a pretty good attitude but I know it can be a rollercoaster especially lacking sleep...and not feeling well so lets hope we all stay healthy and Caden gets better quickly. 

School Starting

Well I knew it was coming..the chaos of mornings of trying to get Corbin off to school. I really do enjoy summer-yes my kids fight and sometimes they can be long days but overall I enjoy the freedom and being able to be spontaneous and do whatever we want kinda whenever we want. I don't enjoy being forced to a schedule. I like the freedom to be lazy when you want to be but be busy doing fun things all day as well. Kinda off to a rough start but isn't change always hard at the beginning? But honestly its more because of Caden and throwing off his schedule. He had a rough day yesterday because he was so thrown off with lack of sleep from being woken up. I hate waking a child up from a nap-especially when I know they would sleep a lot longer and need it. I knew at 3 months it would be getting harder cause they aren't so much in the newborn phase where they can sleep wherever/whenever. Sleep begets sleep they say..and he was not getting enough which then he slept awful at night and was up for the day at 5am. So then I become bitter towards school because it totally throws everything off. I am hoping Corbin won't come home as exhausted and grumpy as he did last year since he's a little older and now his second year of being at school all day. I have debated back and forth if he should ride the bus to school and if that would be easier for all of us..he doesn't really want to ride it but maybe once he does he won't mind it-I still would have to walk him to the bus stop so I feel like by the time I walk him to the bus stop and back its like a 20-even maybe 30 minute ordeal...but it could be better then packing all the kids in the car and getting them all out and the stroller and walking him into the school grounds..

 Corbin seemed pretty excited about school but then again he doesn't love school. Being the second day of school and he was already saying he didn't want to go..because he got in trouble this morning though. And now I just got a phone call that he has a stomach ache and wants to come home but he didn't seem like he was in too much pain and I really don't want to wake Mikaela and Caden up from their naps cause I just laid them down 20 minutes prior to him calling. Hopefully I am not rude by telling him to go back to class and see if he can last till the end of the day. I had to question him if he had a bad day though and just wanted to come home because I could see that being a possibility too since he's pretty sensitive but he said nothing happened. He now has glasses that he just got last week and he was definitely worried about how other people would react to them. He doesn't like wearing them all the time and I worry its going to be a hard transition and a fight. I am just praying no one makes fun of him to make it that much harder on him. Everyone so far says they love them and he looks so handsome so I hope he can get more confident and not worry so much about what others think. He brought home a paper his first day that they had to write down what there first day jitters were (something they were nervous about) and he wrote "people making fun of my glasses"-it kinda broke my heart because I know kids can be rude but thankfully he said no one said anything about them. I think its a blessing that he was able to get them right before the new year and start out with them!

Anyways I am kinda back to that "I'm a bit overwhelmed" stage of the transitioning right now to 4 kids I guess-its always a rollercoaster though right? But it doesn't help that I had to take Gavin to the urologist this morning to try to find some answers to why he has those "episodes" of peeing frequently and having accidents all the time for those few days and then he's back to normal. (ya know happening for over a year now..but I really do think they are less frequent) Didn't get any answers today just a list of things I need to do--like foods to avoid and eat more of, log every time he poops and what it looks like and making him try to go after each meal, and set a timer for every 90 minutes to have him pee. And I'm like seriously? I have four kids I don't pay attention to every drink he has and every time he goes the bathroom...hes pretty independent and I don't keep and eye on that stuff all day long. These last few weeks I have been hounding him (Both him and Corbin) to flush the toilet after they go...now I have to tell him not to again when he finally was getting into a better habit of flushing it after he went...seriously talk about confusing the kid. They believe he could possibly be constipated but I was initially shocked when they said that cause he poops at least twice a day if not more usually. But he still could have "hard" poop being stuck in there they say...well enough "potty" talk...hopefully we get some answers...and ones we want to hear. I did say I would much rather take other potty issues over having him have diabetes so with his blood sugars coming back normal I'm hoping thats not a possibility. It does still make me question about foods we are eating and what needs to be changed there then..seriously every time I try to stop worrying about what we are eating I then have to again-it gets exhausting not knowing what we should and shouldn't eat. So do I cut out all dairy for all of us? wheat/gluten? is citrus foods irritating? I was already wanting to cut back more on meat. I try for us to be healthy eaters and stay away from sugar and all the crap food but theres so much more to "health" then just staying away from all that junk food even though I wish it could be simple...or maybe it is and I overthink it? But with Gavin having issues and Mikaela having all of her possibly food allergy issues with eczema and throwing up how can I not think about what we should and shouldn't be eating?..I really do wish I didn't have to feel overwhelmed about it. Hopefully it will get to that or maybe its a blessing in disguise so we can have lifelong health when others don't worry and think about it as much as I do and maybe they will pay for it later. Sure hope the stress of keeping them healthy eaters pays off and makes a difference.

Adjusting to 4 kids.

Fun fact: I wrote my first blog post exactly 8 years ago today (well now that was yesterday cause I didn't get to posting this)...or at least thats what Facebook memories told me. ha! I kinda think of it as the scriptures now I guess as far as sometimes within a chapter many years have passed by but they keep documenting..sometimes more than others. 

So I get asked a lot how I am handling 4 kids..and to be honest I think within those first three months of a babies life they sleep so much that it isn't all that bad. Its mostly feeding and sleeping and changing diapers. They aren't too needy...yes I am up multiple times at night but I wish I could go back to me as a first time mom and tell myself to lay down and feed Corbin because it is just so much more efficient as far as getting rest...or sleep I should say. Yes it might be bad that I tend to fall asleep and most likely don't finish the feeding completely because we have both fallen back asleep and he wakes up sooner because he's hungry again but you do whats best to get sleep and survive. I remember waking up and walking to the other room and sitting up in the chair feeding Corbin and even sitting up browsing on my computer-I didn't even have a smart phone at the beginning. Like why did I do that to myself...all I know is that it wasn't good for me and I was definitely a lot more sleep deprived than I am now. Anyways what I was getting at is I feel like a newborn isn't as hard for me but I am a bit nervous in these months..or years to come when he is awake more and is more needy. Another thing that has saved me that I wish I could tell my new mom self is get myself a good wrap and wear that baby! Caden in all honesty is either on my in the wrap or in the swing and that is where he is usually pretty content. He would probably be a lot harder if I wasn't constantly wearing him and I don't mind it too much-but its sure nice to just let him sleep in the swing if he will and get a break.

So back to how am I adjusting to 4 kids..well I feel like its not too far from dealing with 3 kids because right now the other 3 kids are my main stressors. My mom always told me 3 was the hardest adjustment than after that it was all the same and I can agree with that thus far. Chaos is chaos right?! ha! Some days I feel like "yeah I totally got this...this isn't too bad" and others times I am definitely drowning is things I need to get done. Of course I don't get too many breaks and my list is never ending but I feel like I have an ok balance right now. I guess I am not too overwhelmed because this is what I expected. Do I wish I had more time to get things done..or even just feel caught up on things..of course but I feel like I can still get out with my kids and enjoy life. If I had to say whats the hardest thing about motherhood right now it would be dealing with my kids constantly fighting or complaining. We are definitely working on the being grateful thing. They fight over the usual sibling things like what toys they are playing with but they also fight over anything you can think of plus anything you would never think to fight over..from all wanting the same color of plate/cup/silverware etc to who gets to shut the door or even that the other person is just looking at them. I know they just fight over something just because they want to bug and fight over not because they really want it. ok I guess this sounds like other siblings as well..or I hope I am not the only one that has to deal with this insanity. ha! (thats a laugh and a cry) 

But the moments (and yes moments) they do play together so well and cute it just makes my mama heart happy. Sometimes I want to point it out to them how nice it is when we all are nice to each other and sometimes I just let it play out and enjoy it for however long it last..sometimes not too long before something happens to stop it. But I do feel like these last two weeks since we have stayed home together they have bonded a little more with each other and I am seeing more moments and times of playing. It might be more when Gavin and Mikaela are doing what Corbin tell them to but thats just how kids usually play well together I guess. The other day Corbin and Gavin were singing "we are best friends.." and other things but then of course they would then shove each other into the couch but think it was funny. And I really hope they can all grow up being best friends and we can make these great memories together even though it may feel like they fight often they really do play with each other quite a bit too!