Commit to "Try a little harder to be a little better"

Its funny how the same thing seems to be coming up in my mind and I feel like I need to write it down maybe to help me recommit each time I have these feelings...or promptings might be a better word. I was listening to "The Scripture Study Project" podcast and such a strong feeling of how I am spending my time each day came up again. Since moving I of course have been so busy with just trying to stay on top of things with the house and the kids plus all the unpacking that I don't have much time to just relax or do anything without thinking and knowing of all the things I do need to get done. I think about how I can better spend my time with my kids and how I can better spend my time with studying the scriptures and words of the prophets because I know those are the two most important things right now. Trying to balance just those two things with the household chores and responsibilities is hard with trying to make sure I am not wasting my time on things I just want to do with sitting down and relaxing-specifically with social media stuff. I have a hard time because I do get so many good things out of social media that I enjoy and make me a better person so I don't feel like I need to completely cut that out but I also constantly question with the talk "good better best" coming to mind. Yes those things I am looking at or reading are good and theres nothing bad about it but is there better things to be doing?..But of course you could say yeah you could be reading your scriptures all day or any relaxing moment because thats the "better" thing to be doing. I don't believe that is realistic as well but I do have to catch myself and make sure I have at least read that and spent that time that day studying. Its such a hard phase of life constantly being needed by my kids that when I do have some alone time or time that I can just sit there for a few moment that quick easy thing I enjoy doing is to hop on social media. I don't feel like I have a problem with it by any means but I can admit I can find better ways to spend my time still-so I definitely have room for improvement.

Anyways back to some thoughts on the podcast-so they were talking about how Jesus Christ already paid the price for us to make it back to Heaven but we need to be born again. Meaning He has the power that He could do all the work for us but He specifically knew that we needed to put in some work and be tested to see what we would do. And it got me thinking about how yes I am not doing anything really "sinful" by any means but you can't just be good to make it to Heaven you need to be born again having a true conversion yourself. You can just sit back and "be good" if thats all you want out of life. Honestly its not that hard to be good at this point in my life. But it can be much harder to choose the not so easy choice of just coasting through life. I need to really start applying myself and choosing each day how much I want to grow spiritually. I have to choose how much I want to change. I need to act and not just be acted upon. (I learned that in an institute class and it really stood out to me cause I have always been one that would rather be acted upon because it is the easier route) I would like to try to recommit to "try a little harder to be a little better". And thats really all that matters that we are trying each day to be a little better. With the new church curriculum it is reminding parents that is it our job and duty to teach our children and it really has help to remind me that I need to be spending more time studying and teaching my children as much as that is the harder thing to do sometimes but I am grateful for the push that the church is giving us. So many "changes" President Nelson has been helping us do our duties better! Basically the recurring theme that I keep being reminded of is that its your choice of how much you want out of this life. You choose how much you grow and learn. You choose how converted you truly are. You choose every day to become a better person or sit back and let the days pass you by being that good person you are. Everyone has the potential to do more and be greater but its our choice of what we want to do that can make the difference. Sounded like I'm trying to write a motivational speech I feel like now ha! One thing I would like to work on right now is with that alone time I have at night once I put the kids to bed it is soon much easier to choose to relax and sit in bed on my phone and find myself staying up too late..most the time I am not necessarily wasting my time because I am doing beneficial things but I need to limit that time I do it and I am now wanting to commit to scripture study time (I hope with Jesse) from 9-9:30 every night (or around then). That will hopefully give me an hour from 8-9 to finish cleaning up or doing what I need/want to do after I put the kids to bed. Baby steps of becoming better and thats somewhere for me to start right now..and hopefully I can add more soon. The more selfless I become the better I will spend my time.

Big Move

I am going to try to write the quick story to get us up to speed of where life is at right now. When we move down to Las Vegas Jesse said to me to expect to live there for about 3-5 years. At the time Corbin was about 21 months old and I was 7 months or so pregnant with Gavin. I was the most sad about leaving family and moving away but knowing we can sacrifice these years and see what the future olds for us. I was optimistic about moving but of course had the hopes of moving back to family. A year or two of being there is when I realized there could be a possibility of us moving somewhere else instead of back to Utah-different areas and state got brought up but nothing ever really serious just possible opportunities of job openings that could happen in the future. Jesse at one point even thought of just finding a completely different job and looking at other possibilities but those thoughts didn't last for too long-He went to the temple one time with the questions in his mind of what to do and got the answer of basically tough it out and stay. He shortly after got called into the Bishopric and he felt like that was a little confirmation to his answer he got as well. At a different later time when he was questioning again what should we do as a family he got the same answer of stay there and actually got put back into a new bishopric. Funny how God answers prayers some times. 

Anyways the last few months the possibility of moving got brought up again and it was kind of one of those things where I just had to keep living life like we weren't because of all the other times I worried and started researching for no reason because nothing happen from it. Well we found out the week before Christmas that Jesse could have the job of managing 5 stores but we would be moving to Portland then. Jesse immediately felt good about it and was excited for the position and opportunity. I was in denial and didn't really let it sink in but also in a panic questioning is this really happening...because if it was it was going to happen quickly. I had no reason to question Jesse in this new position because I overall knew it seemed right but I did make sure he knew it was the right choice for our family because the big change of moving for me and the kids is a lot more overall for us then for him. I questioned if he would enjoy the job, if the pay really made a difference, if the hours and time with us would change, how life would be there for us as a family, schooling, being further away from family. So many things race through my head of course but still I had an overall feeling of this is the right choice.

Jesse had his last day of work in Las Vegas the week before Christmas and then we drove up to Utah and enjoyed the holidays with Family not thinking too much about the move. Jesse started his new position as of Jan 1 and he started flying to work and staying in a hotel and flying back home on the weekends. I started to slowly pack up the house. I felt like there was so many last minute things I wanted to try to do in Vegas before we moved because I felt like I didn't want to regret not doing things we could have. We were able to do a few things but not every thing I would have hoped for because all my kids got sick!

(So I got distracted with kids and never finished writing this-surprise! but thought I would try to quickly finish)

I surprise myself with how I overall didn't feel completely overwhelmed packing up the house kinda of by myself since Jesse was away working most the time-he was very helpful when he was home but I wanted to spend quality family time together doing things and not just packing with our time together. I feel overall very blessed that I was at an emotionally and mentally good state. I had so many people from the ward offer to help with watching my kids, bringing me boxes and food, and just being there for support. The week of moving of course was a bit crazy. Trying to finish packing up all that stuff that takes a lot longer than you think, me having a hard time letting things go and just getting rid of it, and wanting to spend more time with friends before we move. Moving day I had Courtney and Roxana come over to help as well as Aunt Nancy-she was so sweet to help us out and even bad goodie bags for the kids for the long hours of driving in the car-so grateful for her help! The day of moving and packing up the truck is of course stressful and emotional. As we were packing it up we realized not everything was going to fit so we either had to get rid of stuff or the other option was to pay more money and have our additional stuff in other truck which is what we ended up having to do because there was too much stuff left to just get rid of. (A family of 6 the stuff you have can definitely add up and I wish I could minimize a little better...I say once I am done having babies I can at least get rid of all those boxes of baby clothes that add of for each gender)

It took longer than we thought to pack up the trailer and get ready to drive ourselves-the plan was to leave early afternoon and drive around 6 hours--we had a 16 or so hour drive ahead of us. We didn't end up leaving until around 5ish and so we changed our plans and only drove a few hours that Thursday night. Friday we planned on driving all day and we basically were driving in the middle of no where up through Nevada and then Oregon. Friday night got a little crazy as we were literally in the middle of no where pitch black in a snowstorm! Lets just say I got a little tense driving and we had to drive quite slow in order to know we were staying on the roads and wouldn't slide off in the crazy snowy weather. We finally made it to our hotel much later than we thought but thankfully we made it there safely. The plan was to drive those few last hours Saturday morning and meet the moving truck by Saturday afternoon. 

We started driving up a mountain Saturday morning and within 20 minutes it had snowed a good 3-4 inches-the weather was crazy. With Jesse driving his car we knew it wasn't the smartest idea to try to drive where we had no idea how the roads would be and we didn't feel safe. We turned back around and drove back to the hotel and sat there not exactly knowing what to do. I called the moving truck and had to let them know I didn't think we would be making it in time and they actually gladly rescheduled to meet the next morning. We knew we could take it slowly at that point and mapped out a different route we thought would be safer and knew eventually we would get there...and of course we did. We stayed an extra night in a hotel which probably ended up being better to be refreshed and really to unpack all of our things with the movers. Jesse and I both agreed we hope to not have to make that 20 hour drive with 4 kids and 2 cars in the crazy snowstorm again but it was quite the adventure and overall the kids did well-which I think having them be 2 and 2 in each car helped. I am grateful that Caden as a baby did overall well too or else that would have been more stressful having a screaming crying baby while driving.

I can't explain exactly how I feel about this move here but I just know it was the right thing as much as it is hard to move away from my friends and have this big change I just feel like good things are to come of it and I am grateful to know that even though I don't really know whats instore for us here. I feel sad to be further away from family but again I feel optimistic about this move and I feel like we will enjoy it here. I have always felt like I am pretty easy going and could probably be happy anywhere but my biggest worry moving to Washington is that everyone warned me about the rainy and gloomy skies. I didn't realize that I can suffer from a little seasonal depression until I moved to Vegas and realized how nice it is to have the sun all winter ( I think I will miss those mild winters there). The first week we were here it rained every day and we didn't really see anyone out-Corbin even mentioned how sad it seemed here because of the gloomy wet and no people around can really make you feel that way.

Jesse's mom, Jodie, was able to come out and help the week we moved here and I am so glad and grateful she did! It helped to get those essential things unpacked and feel like you could function somewhat normally. I was also able to go out and run some errands and buy a few things for our new house which can be quite difficult with kids. Having her help entertain the kids and doing the dishes was just what I needed to help make this transition smoother. 

The first time we went to Church it was a little discouraging because it looked like our ward was an "older" ward and it made me question if there were many in my phase of life to possibly make friends with. Now we have been 3 times and I am feeling better about it. I also feel like I am in a phase of life where I am busier and don't need to get out as much as I used to with young kids. We also hadn't seen anyone in our neighborhood so I was beginning to question if this was going to be rough for my kids not to have friends around either...and that has changed now too. Our next door neighbors, The Frost, have two little girls 7 and 5 that have come over and played and the kids love to play with each other! 

Jesse has been busy with work which is to be expected with starting a new position. I thought we would have a little more time as a family as far as him getting home a little earlier and being home on Saturdays which was a big perk to this new job and I believe once things get more settled we will and we can bond more as a family and that is something I am really looking forward to!

Things overall have gone very smoothly and I feel like we will enjoy it here especially as the weather warms up and we are able to get out and explore. This past week we were able to check out two trails by our house and we enjoy the outdoors together. I started the boys in baseball and I believe that will keep us really busy as well between that and soccer I might be crazy for signing them up for both but we will stay busy till summer! Thats not to say that we won't miss vegas and our friends but I am trying to stay positive and optimistic and choose to be happy here and what it has to offer! I am excited for what is in store here in Washington for us. 

Busy? Distracted? How am I spending my time?..

I listen to a podcast about how we are all "so busy" which of course we know if not a good thing. We have so many things on our "to-do list" that we go to bed unsatisfied because we can never get them all done. I love how this person pointed out that we need to be making priority list instead which are based and made around what kind of person we want to become or what is truly important to us or what our ultimate goals are. All the other little things in our lives are keeping us busy and distracted from what we really need to become. I love how this played into General Conference for me this year and it came down to for me back to the talk about "good better best"-there are a lot of good things to be reading and doing and spending our time and it really isn't bad but there are so many other better things and especially the best things that we need to make sure we are doing. I think so many times I justify what I am spending my time doing because I know it is not a bad thing-studying nutrition and trying to figure out what we should eat..of course that is a smart good thing to do but when it was taking priority over scripture study and I was spending more time reading articles that just left me sometimes more confused than educated and satisfied..and I am speaking about this as in last week I was doing this. I went into Conference even hoping for an answer (and I haven't been able to listen to every talk yet so I can still receive answers to questions) but one of them was "what should I be eating?" because I feel like it consumes so much of my time lately and it really is not a good thing. I do believe we should care and think about it enough that we are taking care of our bodies but I don't think I can ever find the "right" answer because there are so many different opinions and research and studies that its always changing. Like I said, this isn't a bad thing to be reading and researching but if its taking away from things that are better to be doing than it is. The Prophet, President Nelson, challenged the women to do a 10 day fast off social media. He recently did this to the youth asking for a 7 day fast and I kinda did it but I didn't have my whole heart in it so I am trying to do much better this time. I must admit I didn't really want to and again I tried to justify saying its my way of journaling but ultimately decided I can still journal but post them after the 10 days are up then. It already hasn't been easy but it is my go to when I want to relax or when I am stressed but a few minutes here and there really do add up and I believe I was spending a lot more time on there wasting away my time. I also listen to a different podcast about how are brains really do want that high we get from that instant gratification or hearing that we got a text or a notification or a "like" but really it is not feeding our true joy-its like a drug thats just hitting the surface and we want more and more of it. She even liken it to gambling with being addictive and that put it in perspective a little more for me. Again so many good things can come from your phone with keeping in contact with people or reading and the convienence of it with how quick we are able to do some things but it also can take away from the moment you are trying to live in.

Grateful in all circumstances

Oh man I think I am in denial that I am overwhelmed but at the same time I don't always feel like I am. I decided it came down to feeling overwhelmed with cleaning mostly. I just can't keep up with my children and the messes they make and cleaning up every meal. As far as my kids yes it can be overwhelming to meet their needs and hope they feel my love but it kinda goes back to trying to get things done so we aren't living in filth. I wrote this a few weeks ago (I believe in a text to my mom): 

I never thought mootherhood would involve so much peeing and pooping I have to deal with and it’s no exaggeration when I say I have to deal with it between my 4 kids at least every hour of my waking life right now. Gavin is still having issues peeing in pants, Mikaela potty trained herself but it still brings a good amount of messing especially cause I’m dealing with her having diarrhea right now and no I have no idea why...is it something she ate? Is it a food allergy? Or is it just a bug we are dealing with since Corbin has diarrhea yesterday too? Who knows? The guessing game isn’t quite working here to solve it. Between bowel issues and my eczema that I randomly broke out with which is causing my severe itching but mostly at night (like weirdly I have been working up at the 12 o clock hour 3 nights in a row now itching like crazy) I honestly have no idea what is going on or if we need to stop eating something because of allergies or intolerances or whatever but I’m so sick of worrying about food and if we are eating healthy enough because I sure know we are eating way healthier than a lot of people so I really just want to call it a good balance and not deal with it...but our bodies might be telling us differently I guess? I don’t know?! 😬😬

Sounds a bit overwhelmed you would say. ha! But thankfully I am feeling pretty good right now emotionally. So I decided to start a gratitude journal and write down 10 things that bring me joy throughout the day. It's a great way to focus more on those things that make me happy than the puddle of pee I stepped into. I love in Uchtdorf's talk that I listen to titled "Grateful in Any Circumstances" he reminds us "All of His commandments are given to make blessings available to us. Commandments are opportunities to exercise our agency and to receive blessings. Our loving Heavenly Father knows that choosing to develop a spirit of gratitude will bring us true joy and great happiness. I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances--whatever they may be."

I am unable to change that my kids are making constant messes and that they fight and complain and whine and make moments in life not fun to be honest but I can't do anything about that really besides try to teach them the best I can but in the mean while I can either be miserable because lets me honest its not fun to be around kids that tell you how mean you are every day but there are plenty of moments in my life that I find joy and my kids do bring me so much joy in the midst of the chaos so I am hoping by trying to focus my thoughts on all the good things--and some days it will be hard to come up with 10 things because some days are really hard but I believe we can always find good in every day in little small moments. But the chaotic, stressful, overwhelming, frustrating times deserved to be documented too so bare with me if I sound like I am complaining sometimes its more just to know I made it through and look back and laugh at how things were! ;)

Showing love through sleep deprivation.

Lack of sleep can really make me spiral down hill quickly into getting discouraged with things in life. Caden was not sleeping good these past two weeks (and nearly 4 months now of being woken up multiple times a night can really add up) but wow it can really make a huge difference for me when I don't get enough sleep. He hasn't been going more than 2-3 hours between feedings and he was waking up between 2-3AM and was awake for around an hour and wouldn't go back to sleep and then waking up around 5:30ish kinda like he was up for the day and wouldn't go back down then my other kids were awake almost always before 6:30. I can handle him waking up and me basically sleeping while feeding him but that wasn't happening. I questioned if it was a growth spurt because he would be gulping down each feeding and not falling asleep so I knew it wasn't for just comfort but I was getting a bit frustrated out of exhaustion knowing he should be able to go a little longer...seems to be a trend with each one of my kids though. I also decided when school was starting that I wanted to get into a better routine of eating a little better and starting to exercise more consistency since summer and traveling can make that a bit harder to stay consistent at. The combination at the wrong time just got the best of me and I was completely fatigued. I start to question everything I do and if its good or right or what I need to change when really sometimes its just slowing down and doing nothing for a day or two. And thats what I did and thankfully Caden has slept a little better and I was able to rest and am feeling better and not as discouraged. (And I need to remember to not over do it even though I think my body should and can handle things) But I also believe that is how we are humbled into things that do need to be changed and having priorities in the right place.

I definitely feel like I am being tested hard with how I react and am treating my kids. I loved that I was able to listen to someone who specializes is parenting I guess you can say (someone sharing things in instagram) but the things she was saying I felt like helped me understand that my children's misbehaviors usually come down to how I am parenting and something I can change. Not to put all the blame on them or all the blame on the parent but its never just their fault because they are still learning how to control their emotions and needs/wants and learning how to communicate and express themselves even though we expect them to be on a higher or adult like level. Usually when they are acting up its because they need more of our attention and thats of course something most people know but that can be really difficult and challenging when your exhausted and haven't been able to take care of yourself to be a good parent. I kept thinking over and over how we are suppose to model the behavior for them and I of course was not modeling good behavior when I am so tired and don't want to deal with anything in life-and as much as I can say this its still hard for me to apply it- but that is when I just need to tell myself to not care if we have a little more screen time or down time when those are the things that I usually feel guilty about but its better to do those things then to hinder my relationship with my kids when I'm acting mad or impatient and MY behavior needs to change. Corbin even told me "Mom I think we both need to work on patience!" he was referring to when I expected them to do exactly what I said when I said it because I was done waiting and only cared about when I could just have a break. (come brush your teeth right this very second and not wait for you to go put a toy in your room)

Sometimes its hard for me to break the cycle of being exhausted and upset with how my kids are behaving but it usually has to start with me in order for something to change. Yes my kids complain and whine often and over things that I believe most kids should not be complaint and whining over. (picking up after themselves, getting dressed, listening to me and following what I tell them to do...ok well when I write it out that is very typical of things that most kids are struggling with) Its definitely a trigger for me to get upset easily when I hear them whining--like a lot of parents. I saw a meme or something that was saying something along the lines of "young parents thinking they have it hard but just wait till the kids are older" and its probably so true as far as one day I will say dealing with whining and complaining is a lot better than dealing with teenage stuff or other trials that can happen with children. Its definitely a mental/emotional struggle that needs to be overcome to control the situation. I want my kids to know I love them and want what is best for them but sometimes I am so upset that I want them to just be in trouble which isn't the purpose I should be after-each choice they make can be a learning experience instead of a punishment I want followed through with. But gosh this parenting stuff can be hard...but I guess thats why once we are parents we always are so we have forever to work on these things...hopefully I can learn some of things sooner than later though. ;)

Sometimes I just need to remember to look at these little children I have and show them more love. I am glad I can be humbled to remember to treat them how I should and hopefully they can learn from my example and feel of my love for them (even when I am exhausted). I can't get too mad at a chubby cute baby!

Caden's blessing weekend.

Talk about filling your weekend with being busy. Friday night we had our ward BBQ and swimming-seriously my kids just love swimming...and food...but possibly swimming more. We went to bed a little later because of that but thankfully we didn't have to be at the airport too early. I have been wanting to get back into exercising but with our busy summer schedule and Caden sleeping next to me it makes it a little tricky to actually start back into running since he's usually up or needing me around that 6:00 AM time that I used to go running but Saturday morning I told myself I would since Roxana and Courtney really wanted to as well. Seems like Jesse tends to be busy with work stuff with the times I want to start back up but its ok Caden is only 3 1/2 months old and I have ran like twice-I have been trying to do workouts just at home but my eating needs to improve. (As much as I don't like to start thinking about how overwhelming it is to start knowing how to eat correctly..) 

Anyways I slept pretty awful since I was so worried about making sure I fed Caden before I left so I wouldn't leave him with Jesse being fussy or at least do what I could to help that since he had to get ready for work. I woke up early and went running and it was hard but felt good to be able to go. Once I got home things didn't quite go as planned as far as thinking it was going to be a quick easy packing to go to Utah for one day. So when Jesse got home to leave to the airport I was a little behind with being ready but he was ok with leaving a bit later than what he's usually comfortable with.  I tend to give him a hard time with being at the airport early). We get there about an hour before our flight is leaving which isn't bad but when we realized long term parking is closed and we have to go to economy parking we started to worry about time. We circling around the airport finding ourselves not in the right spot and than really starting to worry about time so Jesse dropped the kids and I off at short term parking and he went to go park the car and meet us. I wasn't too worried cause I knew security isn't usually too bad with kids cause you get to go in a different line. So we get through security and I call Jesse to ask what gate we are suppose to go to and I figured out I went through the wrong security area (it was for ABC gate and we were suppose to be at D) so at this point I did start to worry about making it on time cause I thought we would need to go to security again but thankfully we didn't. The kids thought the airport was cool with all the moving walking lanes, elevators, and then tram at the end so they were doing pretty good for me. We got to the gate and might have been one of the last ones on the plane but not late enough that they would have left us. ha! Kids thought flying was pretty cool so it went smoothly overall. When we got off the plane Corbin said surprisingly and happily "Its still morning?" He's so used to driving all day to Utah so he was a bit shocked that we made it there so quickly. Must say it is nice not to have to drive all day but don't get me started on how I was a little upset about having to pay for us to fly..it definitely adds up paying for 5 tickets.

We got to my moms to try on Caden's blessing outfit. She was really nervous about it fitting and being ok. She even fasted about making his blessing outfit the week before because we was worried about how it would all work out especially because she used to have someone live by her house to help her sew if needed. She is really happy about how she never had to use her seam ripper which is the first time she had never had to. It's a lot of work for my mom to make them since she only sews like every time she needs to make a blessing outfit and thats it but I am grateful that she can make these outfit for my kids extra special. Caden's turned out great!

My sister Candace was kind enough to watch my kids so we could go out to dinner with the Jensen's for Scotts birthday. I took Caden with us of course and he starting getting a little congested. When we landed on the plane he was coughing like something was bothering his throat but didn't seem sick or anything so then when he started getting boogery I worried a little bit more. When we picked the kids back up I was pretty tired and ready to go to bed and knowing we had 9:00 church for the blessings I was definitely ready to sleep. Caden woke up at 11:30 screaming and that was not normal for him. I tried to calm him down but he wouldn't and his ears seem to be hurting him possibly. So I put some oils on him and thankfully he was able to calm down a bit. I went back upstairs and tried to lay back down with him but within like 20 minutes or so he was pretty upset again but this time I noticed he was warm and had a fever. First time in his life being sick dang it. I was up most the night with him trying to make him comfortable enough to sleep and then I was finally able to lay down with him and get a couple hours of sleep...but I do not do well on little sleep.

I had to wake him up to get him dressed to go to church-I worried about taking him but he seemed pretty content and ok thankfully. But I can't tell you how much I do not like waking a sleeping baby and making it a sick sleeping baby is that much worse. :( He had been awake a while and was ready to go back to sleep right before it was time to bless him so I worried how he was going to do but thankfully he didn't fuss one little bit and Jesse was able to give him a sweet little blessing. Megan and Dallin blessed their baby girl Goldie as well right before Caden and then uncle Matt was able to give his homecoming talk. A family packed day full of great stuff. As much as I didn't really want to spend the money and fly everyone up just to Utah for just a day I am glad we could all be there for all of that! Caden was actually pretty pleasant for the rest of the day and was able to sleep well. I had a pounding headache and felt pretty awful by the afternoon but couldn't sleep well but thankfully got a small nap in. Our plane left at 8:40 that night so I was a bit worried about how all the kids would do-especially Caden since thats the time he wants to be put to sleep at night! But once again thankfully they did better than I thought! We got home late and sadly Caden was up again a good portion of the night not feeling well again! :( This is when life gets a little harder for me. Testing my patience and tolerance with my others kids. They are all pretty exhausted and tired....and grumpy. But we don't have anything for the next couple months at least not planned right now so hopefully we can start getting in a good routine with school, eating, exercising, sleeping..etc. First week was a little rough with school so I am hoping we will get in a good groove and my emotions can stay stable because as of right now I feel like I still have a pretty good attitude but I know it can be a rollercoaster especially lacking sleep...and not feeling well so lets hope we all stay healthy and Caden gets better quickly. 

School Starting

Well I knew it was coming..the chaos of mornings of trying to get Corbin off to school. I really do enjoy summer-yes my kids fight and sometimes they can be long days but overall I enjoy the freedom and being able to be spontaneous and do whatever we want kinda whenever we want. I don't enjoy being forced to a schedule. I like the freedom to be lazy when you want to be but be busy doing fun things all day as well. Kinda off to a rough start but isn't change always hard at the beginning? But honestly its more because of Caden and throwing off his schedule. He had a rough day yesterday because he was so thrown off with lack of sleep from being woken up. I hate waking a child up from a nap-especially when I know they would sleep a lot longer and need it. I knew at 3 months it would be getting harder cause they aren't so much in the newborn phase where they can sleep wherever/whenever. Sleep begets sleep they say..and he was not getting enough which then he slept awful at night and was up for the day at 5am. So then I become bitter towards school because it totally throws everything off. I am hoping Corbin won't come home as exhausted and grumpy as he did last year since he's a little older and now his second year of being at school all day. I have debated back and forth if he should ride the bus to school and if that would be easier for all of us..he doesn't really want to ride it but maybe once he does he won't mind it-I still would have to walk him to the bus stop so I feel like by the time I walk him to the bus stop and back its like a 20-even maybe 30 minute ordeal...but it could be better then packing all the kids in the car and getting them all out and the stroller and walking him into the school grounds..

 Corbin seemed pretty excited about school but then again he doesn't love school. Being the second day of school and he was already saying he didn't want to go..because he got in trouble this morning though. And now I just got a phone call that he has a stomach ache and wants to come home but he didn't seem like he was in too much pain and I really don't want to wake Mikaela and Caden up from their naps cause I just laid them down 20 minutes prior to him calling. Hopefully I am not rude by telling him to go back to class and see if he can last till the end of the day. I had to question him if he had a bad day though and just wanted to come home because I could see that being a possibility too since he's pretty sensitive but he said nothing happened. He now has glasses that he just got last week and he was definitely worried about how other people would react to them. He doesn't like wearing them all the time and I worry its going to be a hard transition and a fight. I am just praying no one makes fun of him to make it that much harder on him. Everyone so far says they love them and he looks so handsome so I hope he can get more confident and not worry so much about what others think. He brought home a paper his first day that they had to write down what there first day jitters were (something they were nervous about) and he wrote "people making fun of my glasses"-it kinda broke my heart because I know kids can be rude but thankfully he said no one said anything about them. I think its a blessing that he was able to get them right before the new year and start out with them!

Anyways I am kinda back to that "I'm a bit overwhelmed" stage of the transitioning right now to 4 kids I guess-its always a rollercoaster though right? But it doesn't help that I had to take Gavin to the urologist this morning to try to find some answers to why he has those "episodes" of peeing frequently and having accidents all the time for those few days and then he's back to normal. (ya know happening for over a year now..but I really do think they are less frequent) Didn't get any answers today just a list of things I need to do--like foods to avoid and eat more of, log every time he poops and what it looks like and making him try to go after each meal, and set a timer for every 90 minutes to have him pee. And I'm like seriously? I have four kids I don't pay attention to every drink he has and every time he goes the bathroom...hes pretty independent and I don't keep and eye on that stuff all day long. These last few weeks I have been hounding him (Both him and Corbin) to flush the toilet after they go...now I have to tell him not to again when he finally was getting into a better habit of flushing it after he went...seriously talk about confusing the kid. They believe he could possibly be constipated but I was initially shocked when they said that cause he poops at least twice a day if not more usually. But he still could have "hard" poop being stuck in there they say...well enough "potty" talk...hopefully we get some answers...and ones we want to hear. I did say I would much rather take other potty issues over having him have diabetes so with his blood sugars coming back normal I'm hoping thats not a possibility. It does still make me question about foods we are eating and what needs to be changed there then..seriously every time I try to stop worrying about what we are eating I then have to again-it gets exhausting not knowing what we should and shouldn't eat. So do I cut out all dairy for all of us? wheat/gluten? is citrus foods irritating? I was already wanting to cut back more on meat. I try for us to be healthy eaters and stay away from sugar and all the crap food but theres so much more to "health" then just staying away from all that junk food even though I wish it could be simple...or maybe it is and I overthink it? But with Gavin having issues and Mikaela having all of her possibly food allergy issues with eczema and throwing up how can I not think about what we should and shouldn't be eating?..I really do wish I didn't have to feel overwhelmed about it. Hopefully it will get to that or maybe its a blessing in disguise so we can have lifelong health when others don't worry and think about it as much as I do and maybe they will pay for it later. Sure hope the stress of keeping them healthy eaters pays off and makes a difference.

Adjusting to 4 kids.

Fun fact: I wrote my first blog post exactly 8 years ago today (well now that was yesterday cause I didn't get to posting this)...or at least thats what Facebook memories told me. ha! I kinda think of it as the scriptures now I guess as far as sometimes within a chapter many years have passed by but they keep documenting..sometimes more than others. 

So I get asked a lot how I am handling 4 kids..and to be honest I think within those first three months of a babies life they sleep so much that it isn't all that bad. Its mostly feeding and sleeping and changing diapers. They aren't too needy...yes I am up multiple times at night but I wish I could go back to me as a first time mom and tell myself to lay down and feed Corbin because it is just so much more efficient as far as getting rest...or sleep I should say. Yes it might be bad that I tend to fall asleep and most likely don't finish the feeding completely because we have both fallen back asleep and he wakes up sooner because he's hungry again but you do whats best to get sleep and survive. I remember waking up and walking to the other room and sitting up in the chair feeding Corbin and even sitting up browsing on my computer-I didn't even have a smart phone at the beginning. Like why did I do that to myself...all I know is that it wasn't good for me and I was definitely a lot more sleep deprived than I am now. Anyways what I was getting at is I feel like a newborn isn't as hard for me but I am a bit nervous in these months..or years to come when he is awake more and is more needy. Another thing that has saved me that I wish I could tell my new mom self is get myself a good wrap and wear that baby! Caden in all honesty is either on my in the wrap or in the swing and that is where he is usually pretty content. He would probably be a lot harder if I wasn't constantly wearing him and I don't mind it too much-but its sure nice to just let him sleep in the swing if he will and get a break.

So back to how am I adjusting to 4 kids..well I feel like its not too far from dealing with 3 kids because right now the other 3 kids are my main stressors. My mom always told me 3 was the hardest adjustment than after that it was all the same and I can agree with that thus far. Chaos is chaos right?! ha! Some days I feel like "yeah I totally got this...this isn't too bad" and others times I am definitely drowning is things I need to get done. Of course I don't get too many breaks and my list is never ending but I feel like I have an ok balance right now. I guess I am not too overwhelmed because this is what I expected. Do I wish I had more time to get things done..or even just feel caught up on things..of course but I feel like I can still get out with my kids and enjoy life. If I had to say whats the hardest thing about motherhood right now it would be dealing with my kids constantly fighting or complaining. We are definitely working on the being grateful thing. They fight over the usual sibling things like what toys they are playing with but they also fight over anything you can think of plus anything you would never think to fight over..from all wanting the same color of plate/cup/silverware etc to who gets to shut the door or even that the other person is just looking at them. I know they just fight over something just because they want to bug and fight over not because they really want it. ok I guess this sounds like other siblings as well..or I hope I am not the only one that has to deal with this insanity. ha! (thats a laugh and a cry) 

But the moments (and yes moments) they do play together so well and cute it just makes my mama heart happy. Sometimes I want to point it out to them how nice it is when we all are nice to each other and sometimes I just let it play out and enjoy it for however long it last..sometimes not too long before something happens to stop it. But I do feel like these last two weeks since we have stayed home together they have bonded a little more with each other and I am seeing more moments and times of playing. It might be more when Gavin and Mikaela are doing what Corbin tell them to but thats just how kids usually play well together I guess. The other day Corbin and Gavin were singing "we are best friends.." and other things but then of course they would then shove each other into the couch but think it was funny. And I really hope they can all grow up being best friends and we can make these great memories together even though it may feel like they fight often they really do play with each other quite a bit too!

Caden's Birth Story

Well, I guess having a baby (and other promptings I have had) makes me need to start journaling again. I feel like the quickest way and most efficient way would be to do it on here for now-defeintely don't see myself hand writing it anywhere ha! Now that Caden is 2 1/2 months old I realized I never wrote his birth story down and it made me sad. Actually just life and how busy it is and the craziness makes me worry that I am not doing things I should so I am going to try to get priorities straightened out a bit with what is truly important through my exhaustion! ;) So lets see how much I can try to remember to document.

So I believe on Thursday or Friday I started having cramping and more braxton hicks contraction than normal and I was losing more of my mucous plug so I definitely felt like things were happening along. Starting that 39 week I was getting anxious to have him and just getting excited for labor. I for some reason was really looking forward to labor this time and was weirdly excited for it. I anticipated the pain to come but the empowerment feeling trumped it. I really thought I was going to go into labor soon and started looking at dates cause for some reason I tend to think what sounds good for a birthday..yes you can't choose the birth date but I like to think I can a little with Corbin..I like that his is 5/25 and Gavin's I originally didn't like that is was on 6/11 because I thought 6/12 just evened out better-so silly of me-at the beginning it sorta bugged me but then knowing my mom has only been in the room for Gavin's birth and her birthday is on 11/11 then I really liked it and I like that it is 6/11/16 so it goes together with the two numbers. Mikaela in 4/4/16 and 4x4 is 16 so it flows well. So with Caden I started thinking about the numbers and dates of what sounded well. I thought 4/28/18 sounded good because Jesse is on the 28th as well but then the weekend went by without having him and then I started thinking I wanted him in May anyways. Corbin really wanted to be twinners with May birthdays and since I allowed him to basically choose his name I thought it was cute that they could match with May birthdays too!
I originally thought Caleb would be a cute name but Corbin was really against it for some reason and didn't like it (not that that would stop me from choosing it though) then later on I asked him what is wrong with Caleb and he said "I don't like the "leb" at the end" haha so I don't know if I said Caden or he did after talking about names but he then was set on his name being Caden. I have liked that name and Jesse and I weren't set on a name yet so we decided it was a good name. Plus I liked it so they he could go by Caden or Cade if he would like. Max, his middle name, comes from Grandpa Haws-Originally Jesse's cousin was going to use Max as a name but now the family was getting nervous the name wouldn't be used and Jesse has always liked the name Max for his Grandpas sake because he has always been close to his Grandpa. We couldn't use Max as a first name because we have our close cousin Max. When we were talking about what to name him we asked Gavin and he said "Smarshmellows" so Gavin has always called him that since in the womb and he still calls him that as well as Jesse and Mikaela occasionally. Or Jesse probably calls him "chunkos" those most. He has names for every child I feel like that he uses often-Corbin: "Corb-a-Lorbs" Gavin: "Gava-Flav" and Mikaela: "Babers"

Anyways I wasn't so worried about the date anymore as I was more mentally exhausted from guessing when he was going to come because I kept getting more contractions randomly at in the evening. Tuesday night I had a few and question if it would pick up but then nothing. Wednesday they started picking up in the afternoon again and I went to Young Womens that night and started having some pretty uncomfortable and longer contraction so everyone as well as I thought I would definitely be going into labor that night. So when I woke up Thursday morning (a week from when I originally thought I was possibly going into labor-which like I said I got a little anxious/excited about it) I was a little discouraged and then I just told myself May 4 would be good for "May the 4th be with you" for Star Wars since Corbin is into that so much or May 5 being 5/5 was good too so I knew any day was good.

I don't remember when contractions started on Thursday but I know Jesse texted me asking me "any signs" and I had my phone on silent in hopes to get some rest because I was pretty tired (which always makes you nervous cause you don't want to go into labor really tired) I told him I dozed off to be woken up from painful contraction but didn't think much of it at this point since my body seemed to not know when it wanted to go into labor. I was started to feel more pressure down there but nothing was consistent still. I text Jesse at work right before 6pm and said "I am feeling a little more like things might happen..possible haha its hard to know at this point. But I seem to be getting contractions around every 5 minutes but don't last very long. It of course can stop anytime like its been doing but thought I'd at least let you know" then told I'm no need to rush home because I was just making dinner. Then at 7:20 he still wasn't home from work but I was pretty exhausted at that point and contractions were more painful but not lasting very long or being consistent in how that felt. With the previous three labors once they started they gradually went and contraction got stronger and closer together and longer so I was just waiting for them to kinda go the same way but at this point I was pretty positive it was the beginning of real labor now.
I was texting one of my counselors (Sis Weaver) in young womens because the night before she offered to come over if needed so she thankfully was a good person I could rely on coming and not having to worry about being too much of a bother. Around 9:00 I told her she should probably come over and I will just go to the hospital and walk around there if needed because I really don't like to labor a long time at the hospital because it gets harder when they want to monitor you. She got here around 9:15 and they were definitely getting more intense. Thankfully the kids were all in bed and we were able to leave and not worry about much. Then once we got in the car I feel like they started getting worse..I didn't know if it was because I was able to stand and rock back and forth and be in a position that felt best at home and in the car your a little more limited or if things were really moving along. The hospital is less than 15 minutes away but you could tell Jesse was getting a bit nervous. I had a really bad contraction and he panicked and said he would take the back roads because their are quite a few lights on St. Rose but I told him not to worry we will be fine...at least my water hasn't broke ha! With Mikaela I parked the car with him and walked in but this time I told him I needed him to drop me off and go park the car while I check in at the ER-you have to go through the ER passed a certain time. You gotta love when your trying to tell them information but your having a contraction so you can't really speak too well. Jesse came in shortly after and a nurse from labor and delivery came down to wheel me up to the floor. She asked me if I was dilated at my last appointment which was just the day before and I replied yes to a 4 and it was my 4th baby and right then she picked up the speed and knew we were in a hurry to get up there. We checked in at the nurses station on the labor and delivery floor at 9:39 and they took me back to the room and had me change into the gown (this was the first time they just took me to a room instead of checking me first to see if I was truly in labor etc). I came out of the bathroom and laid in bed and was feeling pretty good still for the most part and they checked me and I was at a 7. I told Jesse I was surprised that I was actually doing ok still cause every other time I was at that 7-10 range I was in really intense pain and the contractions were super close together that I didn't get much of a break in-between them..yes these were still painful but I felt pretty in control still. The nurse was asking me the normal questions they have to to admit you in and all of a sudden my water broke through that next contraction and she jumped up and knew things were going to go fast from there. She had already called my doctor but knew at that point he wasn't going to make it so they called for the hospital on call doctor but no time for him to get there either because I was ready to push that baby out. Thankfully another OB doctor (Dr. Lewis) was checking on their patient in the room next door and she kindly came in and helped. My contraction were still being kinda funny as far as they weren't lasting very long so she was trying to tell me to push but I told her sorry not yet I need to wait for another contraction. I felt the most calm I have with any delivery but still of course in a lot of pain-ring of fire definitely happened super bad this time because again I was pushing through that next contraction and he was coming out so she said to keep pushing cause he was all but there but my contraction had ended so my body wasn't helping it along as much and goodness that part hurt!! But still pretty quickly he came out at 10:03...so just a little over 20 minutes from when we checked in at the nurses station. It felt so empowering and I somehow can say I enjoyed the experience. Sounds a little crazy but when things go pretty smoothly I like that feeling of "I can do hard things" and having this precious soul come straight from Heaven right into your arms the endorphins have me enjoy labor. He laid on my chest as I delivered my placenta and then Jesse cut the cord after. This never gets old! :) Caden Max Jensen born 5/3/2018 weighing 7 lbs 7 oz. 20 1/2 inches long.

The gospel gives me strength

Well Ive always considered myself a pretty open and honest person and yes I'll admit sometimes too much but that's just kinda how I am. Since I've got back from my cruise things have been hard-and I've been definitely on an emotional roller coaster. I can't say specific things which sometimes makes it harder to admit that your struggling because you feel like you should have a good reason to be. I know I am very blessed and have little to complain about but sometimes you can't control how you are feeling emotionally and mentally. I spiraled downhill quickly and I was in a place I don't enjoy being as far as feeling sad, hopeless, negative etc. I hate how fast I can get there but also realize I'm blessed with how fast I can at least get out of it. My kids got sick and were extremely clingy and needy, there was definitely lack of sleep, little to no exercising happening, not eating the most nutrientally dense foods, and I was pretty isolated at home without my normal outings and being able to get together with friends. I wasn't enjoying life and I always want to be, I was feeling guilty about how I was acting and feelings I was having , I wasn't enjoying motherhood-when I feel like that's one of my most important roles right now, and I was just disappointed. I felt so unmotivated to do anything but didn't have the time to be able to do anything because I was holding a child every waking hour.
Anyways I hate to have to experience those times but know that's sometimes what I need. I needed to rely on my savior and feel of his love. I needed to feel that low in order to feel high! Like I said thankfully almost just as quick as I can go downhill I am able to bring myself back out of it. I definitely know what I need: I need to exercise, eat healthy, get out and socialize, and have some alone time, and most importantly right now have time to feel the spirit. Sometimes it's hard for me to want to sit down and read my scriptures when I'm so unmotivated and exhausted but if I just turn on a conference talk it can do wonders! It's been a neat experience to be able to listen to a talk or two of general conference as I try to get through it since I missed it. But it seems like every talk as spoken directly to me one way or another and it's just what I needed to hear that day-it's been such a blessing to feel love and comfort and to feel inspired by these talks. Even when I was feeling really down and cried for hours I was able to cry through a talk and feel how much my savior and Heavenly Father still love me even though I wasn't being how I knew I wanted to be. I want to be a happy outgoing person but it's ok when I'm not.
I feel very vulnerable writing down my feelings but I don't think many people read this so I'm doing it for my own good of being able to look back and know of the tender mercies that God gives me through hard times. Things have got a little better but it's still hard and I'm so grateful for the strength I have through the knowledge I have of the gospel!

What am I doing wrong?

Ok this is totally me just needing to vent and write out how I feel in this stage of life. I have 3 kids 4 and under and life can get a bit crazy sometimes but I think I try to convince myself that I'm not stressed out about it cause I really don't feel like I am-when I think of stress I think of the pressure of trying to get things done that's too hard and you feel like you can't do it..which now that I write that out maybe that's really exactly what my life is still right now ha! Oh boy.

I seriously don't know how these other moms do it as far as running a business, or selling something, or having a hobby or craft they do, etc...I can barely keep up on cleaning my house, doing the laundry, feeding my kids, etc. I do try to get out with my kids frequently because that's what's keeps us sane but how do these other moms have time for something other then just taking care of their kids and house? I can barely keep up with it...or I should say I don't ever feel completely caught up because any alone time I do have I'm pretty exhausted and just need to relax instead of getting to that list if stuff I should do--but ya gotta find balance..and I guess I haven't quite found the right balance yet.

I totally want to live more minimalistic so that I'm not overwhelmed with "stuff" but I find it really hard to get rid of stuff when I have 3 kids (and future ones...I question that more and more actually though) that I can still use the stuff for. I'm really not trying to compare too much I really just don't know how other moms have time for other things-what am I doing wrong? Or what should I do differently? I really have no desire to do much more I just want to feel like I am keeping up with what I have to do-I've had plenty of people want me to start selling things or whatever cause I feel like that's what just about every other person does these days but I have zero desire to sell something but I don't know where moms find the time to...are their kids being played with? Is there house clean? Something has to give right? Every time I finally feel like I'm caught up on laundry and the house is somewhat clean then something happens to cause me to get behind on it again. I try to get caught up just so I can get to more of the thing that need organizing or throwing out but when I put the kids to bed at night I'm pretty done myself and that's really the only alone time I get and some days I'm lucky to be able to get things done with my kids awake and other days I'm just cleaning up one mess then another and breaking up one fight then another.

Maybe this "stress" that I'm denying is what's causing me not to lose weight-cause that's another thing I question what am I doing wrong? I exercise about 5 times a week and I feel like (and others tell me) I eat pretty healthy at least comparable to most people and I still can't lose weight but isn't that another "mom problem" ha ha just those things that you try not to care about too much but you can't help but have them bother you--I'm talking like having a clean house and losing weight. Ha! Then I try to tell myself that I should try to focus on things that are more important in the big picture-and that's where I hope to improve. I wish I had more time to do....you know what..I don't even know what I want?-I am happy with what I do. I want to be a mom and I wouldn't change it. I just don't want to be an overwhelmed mom. I want to be feel like I can enjoy life with my husband and kids and not feel overwhelmed with just keeping up. That is what I'm striving for right now. And even though I have a house to clean and loads of laundry (sheets/clothes with throw up on them from last night) that I need to do right now I felt like I needed to talk myself through this in hopes to help find an answer or solution. Or that I could look back at this in years from now and probably wish these were my only problems still.

To be honest what it comes down to is I need to be better about choosing wisely how to spend my time-the talk by Dallin H Oaks titled Good Better Best. I might be spending my time doing good things and I can justify by saying this isn't bad. Or I could use some self discipline and be doing the better things! The "natural man" will always want to do the easier "good" thing if not the wrong thing all together. And that is one challenge I am having right now-making sure I can be more productive if I don't spend as much time on just the " good" stuff but focus on the better stuff. I believe I can be happier then (and not as overwhelmed)-because isn't that what we ultimately want is to find joy in this life. And Satan will deceive it even in the "good" things.

Things are looking better

Things are so much better when you have healthy kids. (please oh please lets continue feeling better) Seriously that is why I do care so much about being healthy (eating, sleeping, screen time)-sometimes I overwhelm myself with it which then its not so healthy but always striving for the balance. But my kids are so much better and easy going when they aren't sick-but isn't that how most kids are I guess? Some sit around and sleep while mine kinda do he opposite-they sleep awful and they are very needy and grumpy. But since we are now feeling better we have been able to get out and go to spring preserve, the museum, the aquarium, and parks and I am such a better mom when I can get out and I feel like my kids are much better as well. Plus the nice spring weather starting is definitely giving some happy endorphins...not that the weather here in vegas is that bad in the winter actually but just feeling that warmth of the sun is my favorite and we have to enjoy the "warmth" being it gets too hot to enjoy being outside ha!

And Happy news Gavin is officially potty trained and I can't remember the last accident he had so it feels good-I didn't really change anything just kept being consistent and hopefully he won't have anymore accidents! But I really do worry when either one of my boys will be able to wear underwear to bed..but oh well one of those things I am just not going to worry about too much because I really can't do much about it! Just happy I don't have to worry about poopy undies in public anymore!