Friday, April 21, 2017

The gospel gives me strength

Well Ive always considered myself a pretty open and honest person and yes I'll admit sometimes too much but that's just kinda how I am. Since I've got back from my cruise things have been hard-and I've been definitely on an emotional roller coaster. I can't say specific things which sometimes makes it harder to admit that your struggling because you feel like you should have a good reason to be. I know I am very blessed and have little to complain about but sometimes you can't control how you are feeling emotionally and mentally. I spiraled downhill quickly and I was in a place I don't enjoy being as far as feeling sad, hopeless, negative etc. I hate how fast I can get there but also realize I'm blessed with how fast I can at least get out of it. My kids got sick and were extremely clingy and needy, there was definitely lack of sleep, little to no exercising happening, not eating the most nutrientally dense foods, and I was pretty isolated at home without my normal outings and being able to get together with friends. I wasn't enjoying life and I always want to be, I was feeling guilty about how I was acting and feelings I was having , I wasn't enjoying motherhood-when I feel like that's one of my most important roles right now, and I was just disappointed. I felt so unmotivated to do anything but didn't have the time to be able to do anything because I was holding a child every waking hour.
Anyways I hate to have to experience those times but know that's sometimes what I need. I needed to rely on my savior and feel of his love. I needed to feel that low in order to feel high! Like I said thankfully almost just as quick as I can go downhill I am able to bring myself back out of it. I definitely know what I need: I need to exercise, eat healthy, get out and socialize, and have some alone time, and most importantly right now have time to feel the spirit. Sometimes it's hard for me to want to sit down and read my scriptures when I'm so unmotivated and exhausted but if I just turn on a conference talk it can do wonders! It's been a neat experience to be able to listen to a talk or two of general conference as I try to get through it since I missed it. But it seems like every talk as spoken directly to me one way or another and it's just what I needed to hear that day-it's been such a blessing to feel love and comfort and to feel inspired by these talks. Even when I was feeling really down and cried for hours I was able to cry through a talk and feel how much my savior and Heavenly Father still love me even though I wasn't being how I knew I wanted to be. I want to be a happy outgoing person but it's ok when I'm not.
I feel very vulnerable writing down my feelings but I don't think many people read this so I'm doing it for my own good of being able to look back and know of the tender mercies that God gives me through hard times. Things have got a little better but it's still hard and I'm so grateful for the strength I have through the knowledge I have of the gospel!