The gospel gives me strength

Well Ive always considered myself a pretty open and honest person and yes I'll admit sometimes too much but that's just kinda how I am. Since I've got back from my cruise things have been hard-and I've been definitely on an emotional roller coaster. I can't say specific things which sometimes makes it harder to admit that your struggling because you feel like you should have a good reason to be. I know I am very blessed and have little to complain about but sometimes you can't control how you are feeling emotionally and mentally. I spiraled downhill quickly and I was in a place I don't enjoy being as far as feeling sad, hopeless, negative etc. I hate how fast I can get there but also realize I'm blessed with how fast I can at least get out of it. My kids got sick and were extremely clingy and needy, there was definitely lack of sleep, little to no exercising happening, not eating the most nutrientally dense foods, and I was pretty isolated at home without my normal outings and being able to get together with friends. I wasn't enjoying life and I always want to be, I was feeling guilty about how I was acting and feelings I was having , I wasn't enjoying motherhood-when I feel like that's one of my most important roles right now, and I was just disappointed. I felt so unmotivated to do anything but didn't have the time to be able to do anything because I was holding a child every waking hour.
Anyways I hate to have to experience those times but know that's sometimes what I need. I needed to rely on my savior and feel of his love. I needed to feel that low in order to feel high! Like I said thankfully almost just as quick as I can go downhill I am able to bring myself back out of it. I definitely know what I need: I need to exercise, eat healthy, get out and socialize, and have some alone time, and most importantly right now have time to feel the spirit. Sometimes it's hard for me to want to sit down and read my scriptures when I'm so unmotivated and exhausted but if I just turn on a conference talk it can do wonders! It's been a neat experience to be able to listen to a talk or two of general conference as I try to get through it since I missed it. But it seems like every talk as spoken directly to me one way or another and it's just what I needed to hear that day-it's been such a blessing to feel love and comfort and to feel inspired by these talks. Even when I was feeling really down and cried for hours I was able to cry through a talk and feel how much my savior and Heavenly Father still love me even though I wasn't being how I knew I wanted to be. I want to be a happy outgoing person but it's ok when I'm not.
I feel very vulnerable writing down my feelings but I don't think many people read this so I'm doing it for my own good of being able to look back and know of the tender mercies that God gives me through hard times. Things have got a little better but it's still hard and I'm so grateful for the strength I have through the knowledge I have of the gospel!

What am I doing wrong?

Ok this is totally me just needing to vent and write out how I feel in this stage of life. I have 3 kids 4 and under and life can get a bit crazy sometimes but I think I try to convince myself that I'm not stressed out about it cause I really don't feel like I am-when I think of stress I think of the pressure of trying to get things done that's too hard and you feel like you can't do it..which now that I write that out maybe that's really exactly what my life is still right now ha! Oh boy.

I seriously don't know how these other moms do it as far as running a business, or selling something, or having a hobby or craft they do, etc...I can barely keep up on cleaning my house, doing the laundry, feeding my kids, etc. I do try to get out with my kids frequently because that's what's keeps us sane but how do these other moms have time for something other then just taking care of their kids and house? I can barely keep up with it...or I should say I don't ever feel completely caught up because any alone time I do have I'm pretty exhausted and just need to relax instead of getting to that list if stuff I should do--but ya gotta find balance..and I guess I haven't quite found the right balance yet.

I totally want to live more minimalistic so that I'm not overwhelmed with "stuff" but I find it really hard to get rid of stuff when I have 3 kids (and future ones...I question that more and more actually though) that I can still use the stuff for. I'm really not trying to compare too much I really just don't know how other moms have time for other things-what am I doing wrong? Or what should I do differently? I really have no desire to do much more I just want to feel like I am keeping up with what I have to do-I've had plenty of people want me to start selling things or whatever cause I feel like that's what just about every other person does these days but I have zero desire to sell something but I don't know where moms find the time to...are their kids being played with? Is there house clean? Something has to give right? Every time I finally feel like I'm caught up on laundry and the house is somewhat clean then something happens to cause me to get behind on it again. I try to get caught up just so I can get to more of the thing that need organizing or throwing out but when I put the kids to bed at night I'm pretty done myself and that's really the only alone time I get and some days I'm lucky to be able to get things done with my kids awake and other days I'm just cleaning up one mess then another and breaking up one fight then another.

Maybe this "stress" that I'm denying is what's causing me not to lose weight-cause that's another thing I question what am I doing wrong? I exercise about 5 times a week and I feel like (and others tell me) I eat pretty healthy at least comparable to most people and I still can't lose weight but isn't that another "mom problem" ha ha just those things that you try not to care about too much but you can't help but have them bother you--I'm talking like having a clean house and losing weight. Ha! Then I try to tell myself that I should try to focus on things that are more important in the big picture-and that's where I hope to improve. I wish I had more time to do....you know what..I don't even know what I want?-I am happy with what I do. I want to be a mom and I wouldn't change it. I just don't want to be an overwhelmed mom. I want to be feel like I can enjoy life with my husband and kids and not feel overwhelmed with just keeping up. That is what I'm striving for right now. And even though I have a house to clean and loads of laundry (sheets/clothes with throw up on them from last night) that I need to do right now I felt like I needed to talk myself through this in hopes to help find an answer or solution. Or that I could look back at this in years from now and probably wish these were my only problems still.

To be honest what it comes down to is I need to be better about choosing wisely how to spend my time-the talk by Dallin H Oaks titled Good Better Best. I might be spending my time doing good things and I can justify by saying this isn't bad. Or I could use some self discipline and be doing the better things! The "natural man" will always want to do the easier "good" thing if not the wrong thing all together. And that is one challenge I am having right now-making sure I can be more productive if I don't spend as much time on just the " good" stuff but focus on the better stuff. I believe I can be happier then (and not as overwhelmed)-because isn't that what we ultimately want is to find joy in this life. And Satan will deceive it even in the "good" things.

Things are looking better

Things are so much better when you have healthy kids. (please oh please lets continue feeling better) Seriously that is why I do care so much about being healthy (eating, sleeping, screen time)-sometimes I overwhelm myself with it which then its not so healthy but always striving for the balance. But my kids are so much better and easy going when they aren't sick-but isn't that how most kids are I guess? Some sit around and sleep while mine kinda do he opposite-they sleep awful and they are very needy and grumpy. But since we are now feeling better we have been able to get out and go to spring preserve, the museum, the aquarium, and parks and I am such a better mom when I can get out and I feel like my kids are much better as well. Plus the nice spring weather starting is definitely giving some happy endorphins...not that the weather here in vegas is that bad in the winter actually but just feeling that warmth of the sun is my favorite and we have to enjoy the "warmth" being it gets too hot to enjoy being outside ha!

And Happy news Gavin is officially potty trained and I can't remember the last accident he had so it feels good-I didn't really change anything just kept being consistent and hopefully he won't have anymore accidents! But I really do worry when either one of my boys will be able to wear underwear to bed..but oh well one of those things I am just not going to worry about too much because I really can't do much about it! Just happy I don't have to worry about poopy undies in public anymore!

Rough week.

Just going to keep this post real--Wanna know one of the fastest ways to get me into a mental illness facility? Keep me coop up inside my house for over a week with sick, whiney, crying, complaining kids. haha ok well thankfully I am not on medication or in a facility but I felt like I was on my last straw of sanity. I do not do well with staying home for even a few days and then having sick kids who are very needy definitely put me over. It's one of my weaknesses, Ill admit that. I just don't do well with whiney complaining crying kids-and of course thats just what young kids do but I usually get out and at least go to the park or even just the grocery store to distract from the constant demands. 

Mikaela got sick with a cold and then I figured out it was pink eye-I tried every natural thing possible to get rid of it and after a couple days of no signs of getting better and then Gavin getting it I had to take her in for some drops and thankfully I did so that I could get their symptoms under control and not be contagious. All 3 kids got pink eye and Corbin I'm pretty sure got an ear infection and Mikaela and a double ear infection. The hardest part was that I couldn't help them all when I wanted to. I would have one crying as I held the other and then would just switch and the other would cry as I held the other child. And the constant night wakings from each of them didn't help with the exhaustion. There was two nights in a row that I think we got woken up every hour from one of them.

And the fact that we got dropped off our "treats of the month" (from our young women fundraiser) I for sure consumed too much sugar as I was trying to cope with the demands and did a bit of emotional eating haha--no hiding my weaknesses. But that definitely did not help. (with the mental/emotional part and the waistline..) 

A part of me thinks this is God's way of helping me be ready to leave me kids in a month for a week long cruise-ha! but seriously I was having a hard time thinking I would be able to leave my kids for that long since I have never before. But I believe I am ready for a relaxing break and Jesse and I definitely are in need of some good bonding time. The stresses of work and the stresses of young sick kids can put a toll on us-we've both been pretty exhausted. Every time I feel like I get a handle on things and I am in a sweet spot as far as with my kids I guess I need to be humbled...or just make sure I don't have too much free time to make sure I am focusing on whats really important. I just started trying to go through things and declutter and organize things better but when you have sick kids you are just happy to keep up with the daily cleaning. 

Anyways things will get back to that sweet spot here this week...hopefully haha! Seriously some days are just laughable with how glamorous motherhood can be. But yes I still wouldn't change it--I just hope that I don't have to deal with many weeks like that. Gotta experience the rough ones to more fully enjoy the good ones! ;)

This picture sums up the exhausted sick feeling...it was awful looking. Poor girl. 

Life update

Well I fell off the journaling on here...I believe I got behind on updating and then got overwhelmed and not finding much time because life got a little crazy there for a while. (maybe-hopefully- I can go back and document a few things like Disneyland and Thanksgiving and Christmas). 

Honestly once Mikaela turned 6 months (October) things just got taken up a notch with the 3 kids thing. Up until then I felt like I mentally prepared myself that 3 kids was going to be hard and busy but I really didn't feel like things were that bad and I was able to handle it ok. At 6 months she got sick and I feel like since then she's been teething and sick and then being mobile/crawling all made things a little more complicated...and I guess humbling. ha! Seriously for 3 months I feel like she was a different baby and very very needy. She was crying all day and wouldn't let me put her down and waking up multiple times a night. She got a little stomach bug twice (once for a few days while at disneyland and the other was just a day thing) and a cold but I think the teething made it the worst. Her gums were swollen for a month and then within a few weeks 7 teeth popped through all at once and within a month she had 8 teeth that all cut through the gums and once they did I felt like she now is finally not miserable anymore. Since she has been mobile and crawling she's definitely getting into things more and I have to keep on eye on her at all times but she's also a threat to Gavin so they don't quite get along this last little while. They fight over everything and Gavin is very controlling of what he wants her to be doing and playing with. So when I could finally be able to set her down and she could be happy for a while then comes along brother to upset her and she would either get hurt from him or from throwing a fit. They fight over me and my lap and seems to be competing for my attention. But I can understand Gavin and I believe its just an age thing and he'll get better here soon.

Speaking of Gavin being the middle child right now and with his pretty content personality for the most part (well at least up until now) I think between Corbin and Mikaela he's definitely been needing to compete for attention and has been acting up a bit. He still is very sweet but wants to be in control. He wants to help out but on his terms. He loves to be silly and goofy but also test his limits with how much he can get away with. He struggling with sleeping lately and fights it especially at going to bed at night. Naps with him are very unpredictable. He will fall asleep in the car before noon somedays and others days he will fight naps till after 3. Then if he takes late naps he's up late at night (like 9:30-10 and I can't force him to sleep) but if he avoids a nap all together he's pretty out of control from around 4-5 on. Oh the joys. Also the whole potty training this last month has been a roller coaster. I was kinda forced into potty training because he was acting like he really wanted to but also started to just take off his own diapers and that wasn't pretty. I have been taking a laid back approach because the 3 day thing I tried made it worse when I really focused on it and he was having more accidents now he'll go days with not having any accidents and then bam he acts like he doesn't know how to again. Super frustrating because I feel like we are too far into it as far as he knows how to all by himself and does great but if I put him back into diapers at this point it will be all confusing. I really didn't want to force potty training and I would say we are 75% there but I'm pretty sick of him pooping in his undies-I kinda wonder if its a control thing again but I am at that point I'm not sure how long it will take and hope to stop having accidents here soon. He still has his sweet side and loves to cuddle and wrestle or any physical touch!

On to Corbin. Lately he has been so good-really sweet and obedient for the most part. He seems to really want to listen and obey and please us. Of course he's still a kid and gets upset when he doesn't get what he wants or when siblings are bugging him but he does fairly well with learning how to control his feelings and talking about it instead. I feel like all my hard work and consistency is finally paying off with him and it feels so nice to see that he can be so good and sweet and that maybe I am doing something right ha! I also think its unfair that finally when he's starting to be easy and fun all the time that school will take him away from me. Gosh I'm having a really hard time thinking he will be gone all day at kintergarden come this fall but I am going to enjoy these next 7 months with him before he's gone most the day at school and take advantage of our free time of not having much! He loves his preschool and is doing really well with it. He goes to preschool 2 days a week for 3 hours at an income preschool my friend, Mrs Brittany teaches. You can tell he's not so into arts and crafts right now but I feel like he's excelling in reading! He's definitely motivated by having fun and asks us what fun things did we do while he was at school cause it worries him that he missed out. He's obsessed with star wars and legos right now but also loves building trains and blocks and still has a love of playing with cars. Its fun to see his imagination grow and be able to play by himself with his little legos. He likes to dress up and act things out as well. He keeps saying he wants to be a police man and chef when he grows up. Lately he likes to pretend to be a chef and make meals with me.

My kids definitely consume my life and sometimes I feel like I need something to do but really I don't have much time to do others things when I do get alone time I need to read (only my scriptures because I still don't totally enjoy reading) or just relax. I really want to start staying on top of journaling-with writing but also with the many videos and pictures I take. At the beginning of this year I felt like I didn't want to try to set any goals with having to eat or exercise really good but I wanted to be able to find a good balance between being healthy and present with my kids. I really want to "dehoard" (not a real word I believe) all the unneeded things and focus more on simplifying and closer to minimalism--that will definitely be a process though even though I would love to get that down over night ;)

January overview: we went to the Seaquest aquarium, took lots of baths for fun, went to parks a few times even though it was chilly but nice to be able to go still, went sledding up at Mount Charleston, lots of playing at home--the boys seem to play really well together lately which is nice, we went to the chiropractor (all of us), Mikaela slept through the night for the first time in her life (not getting up once in the middle of the night to feed) and half way through January she finally seems like she's ok again, Ruth's Chris date with just Jesse and I, changed to 1:00 church..definitely not my favorite, Jesse got a new calling in the high council, Grandpa Eddy and Candace and Vince came to visit and we went to the Japanese steak house and the museum!